A Court of Death || ACOTAR

98

It was the first time in the three weeks since Death had returned Astryn's soul to her body that Azriel left her side. He looked like a shell of himself, dark circles beneath dull, tired eyes and weight lost from these last few weeks plus the weeks when Death was off searching for Astryn's soul. Azriel felt truly physically weak for the first time in a long time. His friends had been bringing meals to the room for him, but he had hardly eaten.

He knew he needed to though. So he would not be on the edge of falling apart when she finally woke up. When she woke up. When.

His steps were the slightest bit wobbly as he made it to the kitchen. Elain was there, but he hardly noticed. She looked at him though, at the shadows that seemed as lost as he was. She opened her mouth to say something and then closed it again. Finally, after a long few moments, she spoke.

"I'm making cinnamon rolls," she told him, "they'll be ready soon if you'd like some."

Azriel blinked a few times, only barely registering that someone had even spoken to him.

"No," he dismissed the offer, "no, but thank you."

He had bread instead, and a glass of water. Elain watched his every move while he forgot she was there at all. He ate his bread and then trudged back to his and Astryn's room. Rhys was there, occupying the chair Azriel usually sat in.

"Oh," Rhys muttered, standing abruptly.

Azriel did not move from the doorway, eyes darting from Astryn to Rhys.

"You've been waiting," he concluded, "you've been waiting to see her without me here."

Azriel hadn't been gone long enough for this to be coincidental. He knew Rhys had been waiting for him to leave the room.

"I wanted to talk to her," Rhys admitted with a frown. "Have you been...do you ever talk to her?"

"No," he answered, "I'll talk to her when she wakes up."

"Can I have some time?" Rhys requested after a long few moments. "I know you don't like being away from her but can I just...can I have some time?"

Azriel wanted to say no, but he couldn't. He turned and left the room, shutting the door behind himself. Rhys sat back down and was silent for a few minutes before he finally spoke.

"I haven't seen him much since the war," he mumbled, "either of them, really. Cassian...it's mostly because of this but it's because of Nesta too. I don't think what the situation is there. I only ever really see him when he comes over to visit you. I see him come into the room and I see him leave. He mostly avoids me, and he doesn't talk to Az much when he's in here with you two. He'll speak to Feyre a bit. Even then it's only surface level. He's pulling away. And Az...I think if you don't come back soon, he'll be gone too. And I think if it comes to that, Cassian will pull away entirely. I'll lose you again and I'll lose both of them. I hate thinking about it. I can't...how am I supposed to survive that? I hate to make this all about me. I know that's how it sounds. Like it's about me and about Cassian and about Azriel. I know it's about you."

Rhys paused and thought for a few moments before shaking his head.

"I remember that moment...I remember when all of Hybern's army dropped dead. For a split second it was completely silent. There was the sound of the bodies all dropping at once, and then there was silent. And then Cassian...gods, I don't think I had ever heard him scream like that before. And then I was crossing the battlefield. Azriel had you by then. Cassian was holding onto you too.  You were covered in your own blood. And you were just...dead. Not dead like you've been before. No, this time, there was nothing left. You were gone. And then Death appeared and I hoped...I hoped, Astryn. I'm trying to still hope. I need you to wake up and be okay."

He paused as if waiting for a response.

"It's not fair. You promised you would only do that if it was the last resort. It wasn't the last resort. You lied. And, even worse, I understand why you did it. He was going to kill Cassian. You saved Cass's life. His and Nesta's. And you finally got to kill the King. And I understand because if it had been...if it had been Amarantha, I would have done the same. I'd have given everything I had in me before I let her kill Cass. Before I let her even look at him. So I understand why you did it. I'd have done the same thing. But I still hate that you did it. Some part of me is...I'm grateful he's alive, but I wish you were here too. I wish I could have you both here. I have to keep reminding myself that we won because it just—it doesn't feel like we won. We're here and Hybern is no longer a threat but it doesn't feel like we won."

He took a few shallow, rapid breaths.

"No one has told Helion that Death found your soul. He deserves to know. He was always good to you. But I can't bring myself to tell him knowing you might not...I'll tell him when you wake up. Do it soon. Please."