A Court of Death || ACOTAR

72

Nesta's particularly foul mood lasted a long three days so far. Much to her frustration, the vitriol she spit did not push Astryn away. It seemed Astryn was the most skilled at taking her bouts of anger and hatred. Cassian came around frequently too, and the words hit their mark far more often when she snapped at him. She could see the way it hurt him, how personally he took each and every brutal insult. Astryn let the words slide right off of her, like nothing Nesta could say compared to anything she had been told before. Still, neither Cassian nor Astryn gave up on her. It was as infuriating as it was relieving.

It was the fourth day now, and Astryn again returned to the library in the House of Wind. She grabbed a book and sat in silence as she read. The silence lasted all of five minutes before Nesta lashed out.

"I don't know how you can stand to forgive them," she said venomously, "at least Feyre held steady in her disdain for the male who locked her away. You let all of them get away with it. You're sitting here in their home as if it never even happened. Do you have no respect for yourself?"

Astryn did not respond or acknowledge her.

"I can pick up on a lot of things with these new Fae senses," Nesta carried on, determined to push out one of the only two people actively trying to help, "I could smell him on you after you let him fuck you. After everything he put you through. It's pathetic."

For once, the words hit the mark, so Nesta kept going.

"He showed you already all those years ago that he doesn't respect you, and here you are, falling right back into it so easily. Letting him fuck you, living in Rhysand's house again. It's like you want to get hurt all over again."

Astryn stood suddenly, and Nesta felt an odd mix of sick satisfaction and painful regret. Some self destructive tendency pushed her to keep going, to keep talking.

"It's weak and pathetic and just like it was the last time you let them do it to you. Such loyalty to your half brother and ex-mate. And even to Cassian. He's not any less guilty than them, you know. He sat back and watched them do it. He sat back and watched you die inside a little more every day and did nothing. Well, that's not entirely true, is it? He did do one thing. He didn't help you, of course, but he did join you and Azriel in your bed any time you offered. Clearly, he cares so much about your well-being. It's probably why he kept his mouth shut about everything. He wouldn't get to have you in bed if he told you to open your eyes to how terribly you were being treated and you left."

Astryn nodded once, and then turned and walked out.

It was hours later that Cassian showed up, absolutely fuming. He never got angry when Nesta insulted him. No, he was hurt then, even if he tried to hide it, but now he was angry.

"How dare you?" he demanded as he stormed into the library. "How dare you talk to her like that? Say whatever you want to me, Nesta, but don't you ever speak to her like that. I don't care how much you lash out at me. Do that. Do it to me, not her."

And, without waiting for any sort of response, he left the House of Wind and returned to the town house. Astryn was there, expertly acting like nothing was wrong, but Cassian could see it. He could see that her confidence in them was not steady enough yet, that Nesta had hit her mark with what she said. Astryn hadn't given him any specifics about what had been said, but he could tell from the new way she was looking at him that it was nothing good. Maybe it was even just a harsh reminder of the truth of the way things had been, because even that could be enough to make her second guess if the risk of being part of the family again was worth it. The truth was that messy, and they both knew it.

"Astryn," Cassian said, keeping his distance because everything felt wrong right now. Astryn had been near tears when she returned to the town house earlier, and he had tried to hug her, but she had yanked away from him. "What did she say to you? I know she's been snipping at us both more than usual the past few days. What did she say now?"

"Nothing," Astryn dismissed, hardly even looking at him, "you don't need to worry."

"Ryn, talk to me," he urged and she suddenly turned to face him.

"Back when...when everything was going on, what made you decide to keep quiet? What made you decide not to say anything to me or to Azriel or Rhysand? What made you make that choice?" she questioned, and he opened his mouth and closed it again, mind racing.

"I was a coward," he answered simply.

"But why? What were you afraid of?" she asked, almost sounding desperate.

"I was scared of losing you," he exclaimed, as if it should have been obvious, "I was scared of telling you and then you leaving because we were all shit people who didn't deserve to have you around! And I didn't tell Az or Rhys because I was scared that if I told them how bad it was and they didn't change that I'd end up walking away too—that I'd realize they weren't the people I thought they were and I wouldn't be able to justify choosing them to be my family. I didn't want to face the idea of losing you or losing them. So I kept my mouth shut and I let you suffer and I let them become worse people and I fucking hate myself for it, Astryn. I hate myself for it."

Astryn let out a long slow breath and the tension eased from her.

"I'm sorry," she murmured, and he shook his head.

"No, no, don't apologize. You...I don't enjoy admitting it, but you have every right to know why I failed you. I wish I had a better reason. I wish I could say that I at least believed it was for your sake and not my own, but I can't, and I'm sorry."