A Court of Death || ACOTAR

14

Astryn was tired, tired and a little lonely, but there was still something nice about being alone. She hadn't had very much time in her life where she was alone because she wanted to be alone.

She missed Azriel and she missed her family, but it was also freeing to be out from the suffocation they had put her under. They weren't out to hurt her with any of what they did, but it hurt nonetheless and it was nice to be away and to breathe more freely. She loved them, but she wasn't fond of their behavior over the past year. Azriel especially. It still stung to think about the lack of trust that had built up between them.

Cassian was the easiest to forgive, because he had the easiest time apologizing. He didn't try to put as much emphasis on why he did what he did. He knew the reasoning didn't matter much. Either way, they all treated her like she couldn't take care of herself or control herself and that wasn't fair to her. Whatever good intentions it started with, it was still not okay in the end.

She sighed to herself, trying not to dwell on those things right now. She wasn't much in the mood for any reflection. She had a glass of wine, a book, and a rose scented bubble bath. No troubles thoughts should be on her mind at the moment as far as she was concerned.

It had to be the most relaxing night she had in recent times.

She dressed in a fluffy robe after her bath and had pasta for dinner and then she slept peacefully. She didn't visit Death tonight, though the thought did cross her mind. Maybe she'd check in on her friend tomorrow night, but tonight was hers.

•••

Azriel, to put it plainly, felt like shit.

He didn't know how much time would pass before Astryn was ready to see him again, but he knew all he could do at this point was wait. He was the one who put them in this situation, so he had to deal with the consequences of it.

"I hate to be the one to tell you this, Az, but getting drunk isn't going to make Astryn magically come home," Cassian quipped, plucking the glass of liquor from Azriel's hand and drinking the last of it before setting it aside. "Pretty sure you're supposed to be reflecting on how to be better or something like that."

"I already know what I did wrong and what I'm not going to do again," Azriel replied, eyes narrowed at his brother.

"So, you're just going to sit around being bitter until she comes home? I'm sure she'll be so happy to come back to that," he scoffed, rolling his eyes.

"I don't see how this is your business," Azriel muttered, mostly because he didn't want to have this conversation.

"This is part of your problem, you know," Cassian didn't take the unspoken warning, "you're not above anyone else's opinions."

"I never said I was," Azriel snapped, glaring now.

"You don't care to get anyone else's opinion on what you should do to be better for her, you didn't even take her opinion about her own friendships," Cassian pointed out, "you're hardly any better than those camp lord pricks lately."

"Excuse me?" Azriel asked, practically daring him to repeat himself.

"I can understand why you'd act like that in your work since you do the whole loner thing when you're off being a spy or torturing people, but you really can't keep that same behavior in a relationship. I get that it's hard to not be protective, especially after the way things started, but she's not the person she was when Rhys first pulled her out of that cave. She doesn't need constant reassurance from you anymore. She needs a partner, not a controlling asshole. You're not the only one who was that way. We all took it a little too far and we all know that now but you need to get your shit together because whether she stays when she comes back or decides she's done with all of us is going to be dependent mostly on how you are because you're her mate."

"I already fucking know everything I did wrong, Cassian," Azriel raised his voice, "I got too controlling and too overbearing and I didn't trust her enough. I know all that."

"Knowing it doesn't fix it," Cassian argued, "that's what you're not getting. Just because you know what you did doesn't mean you're not going to fall back into old habits when she comes home and we both know that if she leaves again, she won't come back. She's not who she was when we first met her. She doesn't need you anymore, she doesn't need any of us anymore like she did before."

"Then what do you think I should do? What self-improvement bullshit are you so in the know on?" he challenged, and Cassian had to resist the urge to roll his eyes.

"First off, stop drinking and wallowing in self-pity. You're the problem, so you don't get to keep wallowing. Get off your ass, and wonder what the hell made you decide you get to control anyone. Fix whatever thought process got you to this point."

"It's not like I wanted things to end up like this," Azriel shot back, "the entire beginning of our relationship was like that because it was what she wanted. I got...I should have grown with her, I know that. I got too used to her needing me like that. I got so used to her needing me and looking to me for approval and then suddenly she was just...it's different now and I love her like this, I love that she trusts herself now and I love that she's strong and I love that she's accepting who she is but I don't know what to do when she doesn't rely on me. Like you said, she doesn't need me, so why would she stay?"

"Because she loves you, you fucking idiot. If you don't get your shit together, she would be leaving because of that, not because she doesn't love you. It's not like she loves you less because she doesn't need you to tell her that every little thing she does is okay anymore. She still loves you and she wants you in her life but not as someone who has some weird authority over her. You're supposed to be equals," Cassian reasoned, surprising when Azriel nodded.

"It's...I don't know how to say it without sounding like a piece of shit but I...like I said, I'm glad she's doing better and I love seeing her confident and happy but I liked her needing me," he confessed, dragging his hand back through his hair, "I liked her needing me, I liked being useful and I can't imagine her wanting me if she doesn't need me."

"You can't let the way you feel about yourself get projected onto the way she feels about you. She doesn't see you the way you see you."