Memoirs of the Lost Loser

Rainbow Before the Storm

It felt nice leaving at dawn with damped hair and cold, washed face.

The thin, linen shawl embraced your shoulders as it provided just the right amount of protection from the morning cold. You knew how it is nowadays; cold at dawn and hot at midday. You only had enough coins to hitch a ride with the haystack man back here in the headquarters once you're done at home, and you planned to leave earlier so you can walk.

Walking should feel good after being cooped up inside the castle. 

You clutched the straps of your tote. Embracing the filthy pipe you got from the kitchen, you lightly made your way to the heavy doors of the Ehrmich castle, and opened it. It creaked— you had to stop and try again, not wanting to draw attention to yourself.

It was quiet— but again, for most of the time, the temporary place for Eren had always been quiet. The only difference was, the open, incoherent chatters of the soldiers were now replaced with crickets and cicadas. The bitter, pungent scent of Dama de Noche which said that summer is almost over, greeted you as you walked out the door.

It felt nice to not have someone up your ass all the time.

Until you heard the trotting of horses, and it told you that people are coming today. Right, you thought, now running a headache. There were more soldiers coming for their gear mods. You thought you mentally prepared yourself enough to tolerate the influx of gears the closer the expedition date got, but in actuality, your body cannot cope up, not even close. If you could split your body in two and three, you would, and even then, it might not be even enough.

When the horses got closer, you recognized who they were.

"Phoebe!" Jean waved at you, breaking the calm you've narrated to yourself. Behind him were the main players sans Eren who already arrived here weeks before them.

You didn't return the wave, but you waited for them to stop beside you. Sasha told you that they're under Dita Ness's instructions, then she asked you about yours.

"Hange Zoë," You simply said, just wanting to leave.

"Captain Hange's insane, I heard." Connie put his hands behind his head. "You doing okay?" You shrugged the question off. Of course you're not, you're exhausted you thought you're aging faster than the world rotates.

"Where're you going?" Jean's scanned your form. Your helpless, dying, exhausted-in-the-soul form.

There was a slight flop in Jean's smile. 

"Day-off." You muttered, keeping that small smile as convincing as you could. "I was told I can get off half a day so..."

"They can't even give you a whole day off now?" Jean said with a tsk. "Do they even give you your rest days? The expedition's this week now, you need to be in a great condition!"

There weren't any rest days, but you're not going to say that out loud.

"Peak season, what can I say?" You tightened the line of your lip, really ready to go this time. You turned a foot to where they came from—

"You can take my horse," Jean said sympathetically. You were grateful that he cares, but you didn't like the pity that went with it. "We'll be here starting today and you might want to spend the day with—"

"I wanna walk Jean," You abruptly said, interrupting his concern. "I haven't been walking a lot lately and I'll be fine. You'll answer to sir Ness if you lend me the horse without telling him first anyway." He opened and closed his mouth as if there's something he wants to say...

"But where will you go?" Jean insisted, just in time when Dita's voice called out for them from afar. He glanced at the paper flowers you made out of old newspapers. You had to be creative since you didn't have much money on you.