Memoirs of the Lost Loser

Dancing with the Devils

A bargain with the devil, and pray he accepts it, you were sobbing in terror, the deeper the reality sank with whatever madness you're about to do.

Tears decided to show how vulnerable you felt to the man you've continued to deny. If it weren't for how helpless you look right now, you wouldn't do this, but if there's someone you could trust your life with, it's going to be

"Levi." You called, pausing to bite back your sobs before you burst into full-blown cries.

"Help me." You hitched a breath, letting one sob out before biting them back again.

***

"No."

Levi simply said.

"Why not?" Your voice was frail, humble, yet hopeful. You were aware of your position- where you have nothing to bargain for. Nothing to exchange for an eye, or a tooth for a tooth.

A life for a life.

Sympathy was all you have.

"You just need to hold that gear at a distance, and wave a mirror so I know where you are, and I'll give you a signal to leave it there." Your voice was strangled, "You won't even have to risk your life saving Miche, Levi. Please -"

"I can't. We have orders to do, duties to fulfill. You don't get to hop on schedule just because you beg."

The clock pointed at sunrise. Pointed that you do not have enough time to do what right means to you.

Not enough time to think about yourself, but just right to save someone else's.

You might as well be honest with him if he's the last person you'll talk to.

Silence was given to compose yourself. You let the tears hit the floor, your eyes stung and your visions got blurrier the longer you stared down.

Sighing helped a great deal, and hopefully all these rituals were enough to get over the fear of being honest, of being seen of what was left of you.

After all, what is there to lose if you're in your last hours?

"I get it. Greater good. You're doing what is required from a soldier like you." You pursed your lips to stop the tears and the pitiful whimpers that came with it.

"But, as a person..." The clanks of his buckles stopped at once, only to hear them again.

"You're not weak at all. Having a side that feels isn't weakness. It makes you human."

You peered at him through your disheveled hair, and how you noticed too late that the noise his movements made, stopped.

"And It was surprising for someone so strong, but I think," You paused when sunlight hit your heated cheeks.

"I think I like you better that way."

You flashed a smile, and bowed as politely as you could. Avoiding all pretenses of a salute, you didn't want to see him as a soldier in your last moments. And even if it was a mistake, an accident, you wanted to show that as much as he was capable of tolerating that someone saw that side he hides, you also wanted to be remembered as you.

Not the in-house mechanic who fixes everybody's gear, not the outsider taken as captive because of her ability, but for last time's sake...

You wanted to be remembered like this.

With a name, with her dignity intact, who in the very end, fought for the people who accepted her.

Even with no other life to spare for herself.