Memoirs of the Lost Loser

Ignorance is a Bliss

"What do you mean by that..?"

"Piece it out Hange, I know you know what I meant."

"You can't possibly say... you're from outside the walls..."

"Quite the miss." Everyone was looking at you, hanging at your every word.

"I'm from outside your universe."

***

Hange's scoffs filled the silence one chuckle at a time. In your periphery was the dimming surroundings by the commander's window, the skies transitioned from that golden sunset, to a purple, bluish dusk.

Then Hange's scoffs stopped, their hands gripped into fists.

"You know what will happen to you if you spout non-sense like this, right, Phoebe?" The whirl of the air turned tense. Despite all that, you remained calm.

"I do." You simply said. "And if I'm lying to you, how do you explain my stuff?" 

Hange gulped, weighing your truth over their doubts. A tense, choking silence filled the room that only Miche's footsteps eased. In the corner of your eye, he settled by the window, overlooking the dark, struggling streets of Trost. Erwin stood from where he knelt, giving Levi a look that he needed someone to man the door.

"Do you have other proof?" Hange's voice got lower than usual.

"What proof would make you believe I'm telling the truth?" You responded rather quickly. If they already have a bias against you, then there's nothing you can say that will make them change their minds. Hange opened their mouth like they were about to say something, but nothing came out. What do they know about the world you lived anyway?

"How about... octopus?" Erwin interjected.

"What?" Everyone looked at the commander. Well that was unexpected.

"Hange, she knows something about those sea creatures." Erwin relayed your first encounter with him. "It could be that wherever she came from, those creatures actually exists."

"Or she's actually from outside and has come to spy on us." Hange rebutted their commander.

"Then that would mean humanity exists outside the walls..."

"I'm not." You asserted so weakly. "I swear, I'm not..."

"Then how do we know you're telling the truth?" Hange challenged.

"If I told you about the world I came from, you'll just dismiss whatever I say and treat me like an outsider because that's what I am." You argued. Your chest felt so constrained, it felt like it'll burst anytime, as warm tears trickled over your cheeks. It's been five long years enduring everything alone. You've always wanted to be honest with people who had been honest with you, but you can't even do that because you know what could happen to you, or everyone else. 

Maintaining a distance while caring from afar is the best you can do, for these people who learnt to accept you without requiring anything back.

"But even if I am not from this world, I don't mean you any harm, I just want to go home."

***

"But even if I am not from this world, I don't mean you any harm, I just want to go home."

The silence felt comforting now. You didn't like the silence in the cells of the military because it filled you with dread and fear. It gave you time to think what could be taken from you next. Gave you time to process what happened in Trost and filled you with nightmares even when you're awake. But honesty, for once, honesty brought you this silence which made you feel this exposed.