Memoirs of the Lost Loser

Getting Naked

"S-Commander Smith, Captain Levi," You attached a stiff salute on each of their names, but you doubted it's doing anything good to alleviate the tension.

Yup, with Erwin's hardened, fixed stare, you doubted anything could get you out of it.

Your lips trembled, it didn't mean to, and it couldn't stop even when you tried. Then it wasn't just the lips; the jaw, your very hands...

"W-What we were just talking abo—"

"I believe a cell to accommodate you would be appropriate," Erwin didn't even let you finish your stammered words.

"Y-You're going to hand me over to the Military Police? Again?" The words came strained from your throat, the thought of spending a night or weeks strapped in a chair made you shudder, you could hardly breathe.

"No, not the Military Police, our intelligence unit should suffice—"

"But you don't have an intel unit." You argued, your chest raising and falling at a panicked rate. At this point, even you could hear the desperation in your tone. A part of you was in denial. There's no way Erwin would actually hand you over to hurt you, right? You're useful to the cause. He made a way for you to stay safe inside the corps even when it meant you worked today's breaths and you still have your head by sunrise.

But the bigger chunk was that, you knew Erwin is capable of doing this . If he calls the shots why you're breathing, he calls the shots why you won't. It's his call when you'd be stuck in a cell and his call of how many bruises and nails will it be. He's perfectly capable of sending fresh recruits to a suicide mission, then there's no stopping him from torturing one.

"You gave me your word. You said you'd keep me alive," Your tone rose the closer you got to the commander. You walked up to him, grabbed what you could, grovelled if needed to be, but Levi and Miche restrained you before you could beg for your safety.

"You said you'd keep me safe— how could you keep up a straight face—"

"I said I'll keep you alive, and I'm keeping my word."

Your mind went blank for a second. Not one of your muscles moved. Of course. All the things you did and not one mattered. The chuckles came and the anger began to swell in your chest like undisciplined lava without the restraints of trenches, reducing it to a resigned, mocking whisper.

"Wow," You licked your lips, unable to look at your betrayer. "I almost died giving you tips, twice. I fixed gears for you. I thought we're past the doubts now..."

"And we're grateful for trusting us. If it wasn't for you, we couldn't have caught Annie and the colossal—"

" I guess ," You said aloud, effectively cutting him off. You didn't want to look at him; the floor was a better sight than his face at the moment, but you needed to look him in the eyes and make him realize that you knew exactly what he's so desperate about.

"I guess when you want your childhood dream so badly, it doesn't matter how many lives you ruin, huh?"

For once, Erwin was out of words.

"I bet you'd even sell your soul because you're so dying to find out."

You didn't back down. You straightened your stance and let your eyes show your anger. It's all about pride. If you're going to rot in a cell, a small win is better than nothing. A part of you relished this small victory. You didn't want to lose this conversation even if this is the last thing you'll win over. You swell with pride when Erwin expressed a mild surprise, his lips parted as if they were to say something.