Memoirs of the Lost Loser

That Time When the Mighty Got Nervous

Hange Zoe never looks like Hange Zoe when they're asleep.

You lifted your hand to knock on their already opened door. Your captain passed out on the chair, their glasses out of their face, their arms dangled loosely on each side of their torso. Hange's breathing was stable and shallow, and it made you hesitate if Moblit said the truth.

Did Hange really call for you?

You knocked softly the first time, and firmer on the second. You observed the disheveled hair and their slumped figure defeatedly uncomfortable on the wooden chair. Hange lost weight after weeks of preparation. You could feel their exhaustion just by looking at them and it made you wish you could've gotten the gear modifications faster and helped them as soon as you were available. You were sorry, but you were also relieved knowing that you weren't going through this alone.

You knocked louder this time, making them rouse from sleep.

"You wanted to see me?" You said expectantly, looking for signs of irritation from being woken up. Instead, Hange slowly sat upright, taking their glasses from the table and putting them on. Hange got worse the longer you looked at them. Their hair sebum indicated they hadn't showered for days; the oil on their face said not even a splash of water had licked their skin. Not to mention the dirty, browning, crumpled yellow shirt that you recognized had been on them for weeks.

Your mind thought about the color of their underwear but you reminded yourself just in time that whatever grows there, mushroom and all, is never your business.

"Yeah," They slowly stood to meet your leaning form on their door frame. Hange showed an exhausted grin. "How's the gear?"

"All done," You responded, "And the back supports are coordinated with the factory city. They had their reservations at first but Miche did his best to pressure them. Sir Ness's squad will get them today."

"Miche?" That made Hange raise an eyebrow, and you didn't like where this conversation was going. "I thought Levi's with you on this... isn't he?"

"Um," Your lips tightened at the mention of his name. "Yes, captain. Captain Levi and his squad were nice enough to fit the prototypes." 

Hange just sat there, nodding. Surprisingly, their eyes intently scanned your face.

"Well, that explains a lot..." They finally said, while scratching the back of their head. You didn't want to risk asking what they meant with 'explains a lot', but it sure filled your curiosity. You're thirsty with anything Levi related.

After all, it had been days since... that.

You could tell Levi had been avoiding you, and you anticipated that much. They say that you begin to miss a person once you notice the little things they do are gone, and you proved that with his absence. The first 'good morning' you utter was for him and now it's just with some random soldier. You somehow missed his lingering presence in the mess hall, or the brief, meaningless eye contacts with you throughout the day. When you met a few days ago for the test runs, there was this impenetrable professionalism around him. He wrapped himself with this cold, unfeeling status and it compelled you to act your rank. He stayed away most of the time in the support fitting, letting his squad members take over and he became even more reserved when you assisted him in buckling the adjustment points.

He never looked at you, never walked near you, never talked to you and you're mad at yourself because you miss these little things that made up a connection with him... or so you thought.

You miss it.

You miss him.

When you began to pull yourself out of the trance, you noticed Hange's still looking at the door frame, as if talking to someone so near.