STILL WITH YOU (JIKOOK)

64.

2 DAYS LATER

JIMIN'S POV:

I couldn't see my reflection in the mirror anymore. It reminded me of who I was. And when you loathe the way you are being mirrored as, you start questioning yourself, your actions splitting your head into two.

Despite of trying multiple times to get that nasty feeling out of my body, to get jungkook out of my head, why wasn't I able to?

Did I turn into a masochist, perhaps? Enjoying and getting pleasure out of my own pain or was I obsessed with jungkook even after no matter what kind of things he has said and done to me?

Did I even love him like I claimed?

Or was all of it because I felt that need to fall in love with him to create a happy family of my own just like the one I had created in my head.

Where did I fall short? Where did my love fall short? I wondered.

Looking back, analyzing my efforts I can't seem to find fault in anywhere. I was sincere, I was tolerant, I was hopeful and mainly I used to wipe my tears off and start my day with a whole new energy.

I have tried, I have really tried. Trying to become a best version of myself, trying to be more suitable to jungkook so that he wouldn't have to feel embarassed about me, hiding the thing that I was an illiterate loser from him, sealing my lips, starved myself to achieve that ideal weight, there isn't a thing I haven't done to save the sham of a marriage of mine.

Then, why? Why was it so hard for jungkook to not hurt me? Why was it so hard for him to appreciate me? Why was it so hard for him to not think a moment and slap me, push me and lock me up in a pitch dark room?

May be because more than being a spouse, I was being a maid of his. Instead of holding onto my self respect, I became a pushover. Maybe because I endured too much!

I should have never let him crush me under his feet. I should have never let him control my actions. I should have never fallen for him. 

Why was he the only one in my mind? Why was his face the only thing that appeared before my eyes when I closed them? Why was he my purpose and nightmare at the same time? The answer still remains lost somewhere within me.

Not being able to stand his presence but yet at the same time wanting to be with that temporary sweet side of his, on his absence, why couldn't I honestly loathe him for a moment?

The trauma from his abuse still lingers within me. I was scared of him! I was disgusted of him and his countless, meaningless sorrys. 

But I was at a point where I wanted to feel none of it. Neither the immense love for him nor the immense hatred for him.

I couldn't let me being downgraded by myself for being with someone who has been a complete monster to me nor be consumed by hatred. I wanted to let go!

Let go of all the memories engraved in my head, let go of my dreams, let go of the nightmares, let go of everything!

Maybe that's why, I slowly got off of my bed at 3, my movements being very precise not wanting to wake jungkook who was sleeping at the corner of the room in a moderate sized bed.

Barefoot, I walked out from the room and headed towards the terrace. I was kept in the highest floor of the building making my access to the terrace very easy.

Even the door to terrace wasn't closed, hence I swiftly opened the door and locked it from my side.

The cold and freezing air striked my face, my body jolted up with shivers.