Pretty Broken Butterfly

The Letter

Ten Months Ago

Hello, my pretty little butterfly.

Do you remember that day at the treehouse when we were eight? You were wearing this little frilly white dress that had blue daisies on it. Your blonde hair hung down your back in a riot of curls done up by my mom with a crown of wildflowers on the top of your head. Just like always, your feet were bare, and they painted your cute little toes a pretty blue to match the daisies on your dress. Your mama had done up your makeup that day and it was a little strange seeing it on you, but it still made my palms sweat.

I didn't understand why you were so fancy that day, but I know it made me thrilled to see. You were the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my young life. And the way you smiled at me that day, man, it made my heart race so fast. At the time, I didn't realize what was happening, but I recognize it now so many years later.

Do you remember what we did that day, butterfly?

We were getting married. At least we were pretending we did. Mama made me get into that stupid itchy suit and I didn't know why until you grabbed my hand and dragged me into the treehouse.

You and our mamas had it fixed up really pretty. Lights were hanging around and flowers were sitting everywhere, filling the little house with a floral scent that made my nose itch.

When you told me it was our wedding day, I didn't think I'd ever get happier. Even at eight, I knew I belonged to you and that we belonged to each other.

I always thought we'd have a real wedding one day, you know. That I'd see you walk down the aisle to me on your daddy's arm in this beautiful white dress and that we'd get to say I do. I thought we'd be together until our skin was all wrinkly and our hair was silver.

Back then, I was so fucking sure nothing could ever tear us apart.

I guess I never really imagined I'd ever be stupid enough to put myself in a position to lose you. Protecting you has always been my mission since the moment you stared at me with those guileless icy blue eyes. There were so many things in the world that had the potential to hurt you, and I wanted to shield you from all of it. Little did either of us know that I'd need to be the one we protected you from the most.

Every day when I open my eyes and wake to empty arms that used to hold you tight, I ask myself how I drove us here. How I was so fucking stupid to let another girl into our relationship. I hope I'm one day able to answer that for us both.

I'm sorry, Charlie. I know they're just words that don't really mean anything coming from me, but I'll never stop saying them. My words aren't shit right now. I don't know if they ever will be again, to be honest. After what I did, I'll never blame you. The only thing I can do is prove to you with my actions that my words hold the truth.

Every day, I'm learning the depth of pain I've caused you, and every day it's a little harder to swallow. You're this beautiful beacon of light and if you weren't as fucking strong as you are, I'd be responsible for extinguishing it.

I'm so damn proud of you, pretty girl. You've not let what I did change who you are.

You know the only thing I've ever wanted for you?

Your happiness.

I still want that, even if you don't have it with me.

Does Alek make you happy, Charlie? Will you be able to smile, laugh, or love with him?

I know you probably don't want my opinion, but I think if you give him a chance—a real chance—he could give you that. Alek's not a bad guy and if I have to choose any guy to help my girl move on with, it'd be him. He's cared about you for a while. He just had enough respect not to ever make a move. Then I became weak and betrayed you in the worst possible way, giving him the opportunity to be in your life in the way he wanted.

I don't even fault him for it because you, Charlie, you're pretty fucking spectacular.

I know, baby. I know. If you're pretty spectacular, then why did I cheat? I wish I had a clear and concise answer for you because lord fucking knows you deserve one, but I don't. Not yet anyway.

I won't stop working or digging until I find my reasoning for doing what I did. Lionel says we're making good progress, so hopefully, I'll have answers soon.

Fuck. This letter is all over the place, but I'm just writing it down as it comes to me. My head is a mess and I don't know if I'm going to write again after this. So, I want to get this out. I'm not sure these are helping either of us. I'm sorry for that too. This was just another selfish move, and it's time I stop doing that.

It's okay, you know. It's okay to move on, butterfly. It's okay to find happiness outside of me. To find love and laughter. To find a reason to smile again. I stole those things from you in a shitty, selfish way and I want nothing more than for you to get them back.

I don't know if you know it or not, but I was sent a picture of you and Alek kissing. It hurt. Fuck, it hurt so goddamn bad, but you want to know the surprising part? I was happy for you. I was happy that I didn't break you so much that you couldn't find it in you to give someone else a chance. While I fought to keep from screaming my anger to the world, it was pretty bittersweet seeing that rapturous expression on your face.

I love you, Charlie. Fuck, I love you so much. And because I do, it's why I'm going to give you the space you've been asking for. You deserve to live life without me shoving my way into your background. I'm going to continue to work on myself and continue to find answers to the million questions I have for myself.

Find happy, Charlie. Find your smile, your joy, and your laughter. Continue to find beauty in the world and continue to bring light to the people around you. Sing out of tune, tell ridiculous jokes that make you giggle, and dance in the rain. Go on dates and have wild, passionate sex against the wall. More than anything, find love, butterfly.

Love and be deliriously happy. It's the only thing in this world I want for you.

Hopefully, one day I'll be worthy of some of that light again and if I never am, I'll live comfortably on the memories of the light I used to have in my life.

Forever your dragon,

Keaton