Lilith (old version)

Chapter 1

Lilith

"Everything I was afraid of happening, happened."

November 17th, it's cold and rainy but I don't mind. The rain taps against my window, creating much needed background noise from the silence consuming my house. My dads at 'work' aka another grimy pub most likely miles from home, and mums staying at a 'friends' as she likes to say; what she means is a new boy toy she's been using to cheat on my dad. It's not like he doesn't deserve it, I'm sure he's going to do the exact same thing later this evening.

It's freezing inside but I open my window slightly, letting the sound of the rain surround me. I've always preferred this weather over the heat of the summer. I get to wrap up and not overheat, and I get to drink hot chocolate without needing an excuse. Not that I can often afford to buy such a luxury. If I'm lucky I can steal some from Ashley's house, which I always feel bad about but her parents are loaded and have a cupboard dedicated to fancy hot chocolates from all around the world; caramels, coffees, dark rich chocolate, or sweet white chocolate. You name it, they've got it.

Ashley knows how much I love chocolate, her being my best friend and all, but it's rare that she offers me any. I never ask, not wanting to make myself a burden, but it's so delicious. If I had the money I would dedicate a room to chocolate. I barely have the money to pay off our bills and get food, so for now I let that dream sit quietly in the back of my mind.

 I won't exaggerate it, me and Ashley's friendship is a little unorthodox at best. I can see in the way she looks at me that she often times doesn't seem to even like me, but I've been friends with her so long it would take a serious amount of drama to end our friendship with a clean break. Ashley treats me like shit. But she knows more about me than anyone else ever has and no matter how hard my brain tells me to leave her and her stuffy friend group my heart yearns to stay close to her. 

As much as I love winter, the downside is how freezing our house becomes. Mum doesn't work, and dad's barely conscious enough to get the bus into the city let alone do a full shift. The only way we afford food and basic necessities is my job, but with both college and keeping up with my social life I can only work 30 hours a week which isn't nearly enough to pay all our bills. It's easier in the holidays, I work as much as I can so we have enough to get through into the new year. I have to hide all the cash in my mattress though; I never know when my parents might decide they need another 'party'. They get pissed off their faces and blow any and all money in sight on whatever booze they can get their hands on. For the past month they've been spending every penny they earn and whatever I give them on whiskey, specifically Jack Daniels. It's the reason I have to hide everything from them, even my possessions aren't safe if they've gone without alcohol for too long.

I should probably despise alcohol and drugs after seeing what it's done to them, but instead I use them as my own crutch. I don't want to turn out like them, but it's hard after seeing it take away their worries. I understand them in a way I wish I didn't, I wish I could hate them for it, for not caring after me like they should've and for being so neglectful. But i get it, life sucks. It really does. And when you don't know where to turn, and see a bottle or a pill which you know will make you feel better, well let's just say it takes an incredibly strong person to turn that down.

It's even harder for me because I work at a club in the centre of Bristol, it's one of the rougher ones and men there tend to get handsy and I thank god everyday I'm not one of the unfortunate strippers. Everywhere you turn there's a bottle of alcohol, or someone doing a line of coke. It's a surprise the place hasn't been shut down with the multiple deaths from overdoses that happen. It's also a surprise I didn't go down that road sooner, when I was younger I swore off all types of alcohol and drugs. I never wanted to become like my parents or the men at the club, sometimes I wish I could go back in time just to apologise to child me. She was so excited to get out of this place, to leave this literally hell hole of a city. But it's my only comfort now, and it's all I know.