Lilith (old version)

Chapter 16

Lorenzo

The burn down my throat, the smoke in my lungs, it fills me with a warmth unlike any love, but comforting nonetheless.

I feel like such a dick right now. I knew I shouldn't have opened my mouth. It's frustratingly ironic that only last night I was having a conversation about how I would never hurt her, physically or emotionally. Yet today I managed to say such a cruel thing, I didn't mean it to come out that was. I just wanted to say how strong she was, instead I made it sound like I thought she should be dead. 

God, I'm an idiot.

The thing is, even though she said I don't know her at all, I do. I might not know everything, but I know it's hard to get her forgiveness. I need to show her that I didn't mean it, that I was just being stupid. But when I tried to explain she was so hurt I don't think anything I could've said would've helped. 

I don't blame her either, if someone said that to me then I'd be pretty fucking pissed. Sometimes I just don't have a stopper on my words, they just come out and when they do it's all wrong. 

She's so, so strong. I don't understand it, how she seems so stable. It just sounds like an insult though, like I expect her to be crazy or something. And I don't know how to apologise when I can't amend what I said in the first place. 

It's even worse that I know she was already hurt by something I said, but I don't understand why. I can understand when I mentioned her trauma, but even before that she was upset with me. I can't for the life of me figure out why though.

What I need is a cigarette and a drink, clear my head. I need to go to college though, I've got a massive essay due this week which I haven't even started yet. I guess I'll have to multitask.

I sigh, and head up to my room. I need to shower and change before doing anything else, I'm still wearing the same clothes I wore last night. I never ended up sleeping, instead I stayed downstairs and watched TV most of the night and drinking. I know it's a bad habit, to drink alone, but it's the only thing that quiets my mind slightly. 

Evenings are always harder for me, it's when my memories of my childhood haunt me. I haven't told Lilith about my own suffering as a child because I didn't want to take the conversation away from her. But I know it would help her to see that I do truly understand, probably more than anyone else, what it's like to be scared of home.

I still feel slightly unsteady now, the alcohol hasn't quite left my system yet. The warmth of the shower helps though, clearing my mind again. I don't stay under its heat for long though before I grab a t-shirt and jeans. I shove a hoodie in my bad but I don't bother putting it on yet, it's freezing outside but I've always liked the cold.

I knock on Jess's door, and open it a few seconds later. She's the only thing that gets me through the day at this point, and I try everyday to remind her of how much she means to me. She's more than just my little sister, she's my life line. I would do anything for her, as long as she's safe and happy. 

"Come on Jess, time for school." I say quietly, and she jumps off her bed and starts throwing her clothes around; finding an appropriate outfit.