Lilith (old version)

Chapter 14

Lilith 

Your life is not your own, keep your hands off it.

10:58am, it's been twenty minutes since I begrudgingly entered Lorenzo's house. I don't plan to stay here long, but I know when Enzo agreed to me only staying a little while it was a lie. I can see in his eyes and in the way he carries himself that he just wants to protect me, but I don't want, nor do I need, protecting.

My whole life I have been completely alone, well maybe not all of it. When I was younger Ashley was genuinely nice, sure she was a bit arrogant but she was nice to me. She let me stay at her house for sleepovers sometimes and let me have a hot chocolate. I don't really know when it changed, or why. But suddenly she became so mean, so harsh. It broke my heart a little bit, and ever since then I've realised that I can't trust anyone. I can't rely on anyone. The only constant in my life is myself. 

I'm so hungry right now but I don't want to ask Enzo to get me anything, I still don't feel relaxed enough around him yet. Other than the tea he gave me I haven't eaten or drink anything else for awhile; possibly two days? I can't be sure. I feel nauseous the hunger is so bad, like even if food was in front of me I wouldn't be able to eat it because my stomach hurts so badly. 

I'm used to this though, and my body is used to this. Before I got my job it was rare I would get a proper meal for days, sometimes well over a week. Even when I did it was normally scraps of what my parents had eaten, or food I could sneak away with from school. 

The edges of my vision are blackening slightly, and spots dance across the room, but I persevere. I just need a few minutes to get through the pain stabbing in my stomach, or food. I guess I could just ask, the worst he could say is no. 

Before I can open my mouth though, Enzo is already speaking, "Lilith, you okay? You look really pale. I'll get you some food and water." He says, reading my thoughts almost. I'm grateful that I can finally eat something and get some water in my body, but it disturbs me that he so casually is getting me things.

I've never had someone make me food before, or get me a glass of water. Even when I was close with Ashley, I was always the one that made the hot chocolates or brought the food in. I don't really know what I'm supposed to say or do. 

A few moments later he walks in with a sandwich, crisps, an apple and a tall glass of water. My stomach is in so much pain right now and I so badly want to eat but at the same time I'm repulsed by the thought of actually eating anything. The first meal is always the hardest, always hurts the most.

He places the sandwich in my lap and the other items on the table near me. I say thank you and smile at him as genuinely as possible, then I stare at the sandwich for awhile. It looks delicious, full of lettuce, chicken and sauce, but when I take a bite of it and start chewing the nausea hits me with full force.

I don't understand why it's so hard to eat food after not eating for awhile, surely the hunger should blind the stomach pain. But it just seems to increase it as I eat more. It's only after I've swallowed a few mouthfuls and drank some water that the pain subsides slightly. 

Enzo has been watching me the whole time and it's humiliating. I'm a very quiet eater, I had to be as a child, but still it makes me flinch when I make eye contact with him. I don't know exactly when I started hating people watching me, but even as a young child I preferred to be nonexistent and watch others instead of having the attention on me.