Lilith (old version)

Chapter 28

Lilith

I'm not a whole person and I don't think I ever will be. Parts of me died in the house I grew up in and I visit them in my dreams.

I pause for a moment, then two, then three. I let the silence of the house wash over me, possibly for the last time. There are no good memories to think back on, no happy moments to cherish. All that is left is a gaping hole inside me. I don't know how I'm supposed to react to leaving this house behind. It doesn't mean I'll forget, in fact, I don't think I can forget. 

My whole personality is based off of my past, and I think that contributes to a large part of my current issues. Because my past is full of the ghosts of people and nightmares, and somehow my personality reflects the worst parts of my childhood. I hate it, but I've never been one to let go. I can't just 'get over' things. And the thing is, I don't want to. I want to remember the pain, not just so I remember the people who have wronged me, but also because I'm self-destructive in every sense of the word. 

I think that's one of my greatest faults, that I let my experiences shape me so deeply. Perhaps if I had a good life, it would be one of my greatest strengths, but alas. Instead I've become a monster. I know I have. Yes, I haven't raped anyone or killed anyone, but sometimes you can be a monster to yourself. You are your worst enemy. That always stuck with me; likely because it's true. I am my worst enemy. 

I walk numbly upstairs towards my room, reality still hasn't fully set in. The fact my father is dead hasn't set in, nor has the fact I just saw my mother most likely for the last time in my life. That's not even considering the upheaval Enzo has caused. The thought makes me freeze, if Enzo hadn't killed my father then everything would continue on normally. I wouldn't be having an existential crisis if not for him. 

What's worse is I can't hate him for it, because the idea that I would still be living out of fear due to my father is equally as unappealing as my current situation. No matter how I try to change my perspective, I still can't decide whether I'm subconsciously grateful for what he did or not. 

I shake the thoughts from my head, unwilling to think too hard about things I can't change. But I know as soon as I don't have a task to obsess over I will once again be stuck in a loop trying to figure out his actions. I tuck that thought away too, deciding I'll burn that bridge when I get to it.

I take a breath in before opening my bedroom door, and the dusty scent hits me right in the gut with feelings I can't yet decipher. It feels a lot like nostalgia, but I was still living here only just a few weeks ago. Or has it been longer now? I can't remember. The time has passed me by in a blur, and it's disconcerting.

I reach my wardrobe and grab the small amount of clothes I own; my work uniform, the few pairs of jeans I have, and lastly I take out my shirts. I shove them into my backpack which is still left on the floor near my bed from the last time I was here. Lastly, I grab my few belongings dotted around my room as well as the only other pair of shoes I own. It's now that I notice just how little I have to my name. In all fairness, spending money on clothes and pointless belongings never appealed to me. Especially considering it was either a new t-shirt or dinner that day, the choice was always dinner of course. 

I take one last look around my room, expecting to be hit with some sort of sadness over the fact I'm leaving after living here my whole life. Instead I feel completely empty, and utterly exhausted. After the talk with my mother and everything that has led up to it, I feel so drained that I decide to just go straight back to Nathan's house. It's not like there's much to feel sad about considering I finally get to escape the place that has been made into a living hell for me everyday.