Lilith (old version)

Chapter 11

Lilith

I have no one else to speak to, no mind but my own to drown in and all the lifeboats are taken and all the life preservers are broken and I don't know how to swim I can't swim I can't swim and it's getting so hard. It's getting so hard.

I don't know exactly when I fell asleep, but I remember Lorenzo making me feel safe. I haven't felt that safe in, well, ever. He didn't touch me, which I'm forever grateful for but also I miss human contact so much. I crave it like a drug, I haven't had a hug in so long.

I feel warm and protected, and I can feel strong arms wrapped around me. A sharp pain rocks through my wrist and suddenly the arms feel more like a cage to keep me trapped forever than a cage to protect me.

I thrash against whoever is holding me but I can't open my eyes. It's like I'm asleep but awake at the same time. I feel so much; so much pain, so much fear, so much of something. I wish I knew what that something was. 

The realisation that the pain coming from my wrist is due to a hand rocks through me, it has to be my rapist. Nobody else has caused such fear in me than him, and the same fear is coursing through me.

I'm begging him to let me go, but he just grabs onto me more securely. I try to kick, to thrash, but I can't move. I can't breathe.

I know I'm screaming because my voice is killing me. I'm sobbing and writhing and trying to get away from him, I need to get away from him.

I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home. I want to go home. 

But I have no home.

Someone is shaking me, calling my name. But I can't open my eyes. The tears fall even as I shut my eyes even tighter. 

I don't want to see his face again. I don't want to have to watch the blood drip from my thighs again. I don't want to feel dirty; ashamed. 

"LILITH." I hear someone shout. That isn't the voice of my rapist. That's the voice of safety. 

"Please, please. Stop touching me. Please." I whisper. The hands immediately let go of me and I breathe. And I breathe. And I breathe.

I push down the sobs of relief that threaten to spill when I open my eyes. Blue eyes. 

Safe. Blue. Eyes.

My wrist hurts nearly just as badly as it did when my dad snapped it. I look down and see a cast has attempted to be put on, I guess my thrashing stopped that from being a success.

I feel so embarrassed, so humiliated. I can't make myself look back at Lorenzo, I keep all my focus inwards; breathe, breathe, breathe.

"Lilith it's okay, you're okay. Nobody is going to hurt you here." His voice reassures me, and for some reason I believe him. It goes against every cell in my body to trust him, that I am safe. It might just be the fact I'm still delirious from the pain or half asleep, but I trust him.