Lilith (old version)

Chapter 21

Lilith

Being raised by cold eyes taught me not to cry.

I've been staying with Lorenzo for the past three days now, and I won't lie and say that it's been easy to keep my emotional boundaries safe. Every time he gives me one of those smiles, every time he holds me and comforts me I can feel the walls I've made soften. I keep trying to remind myself that when whatever this is ends, it will hurt even more if I begin to trust him, but my heart won't listen to my head and this conflict is tearing me up inside.

I stretch out on the bed, Enzo's side has long turned cold from where he left to get some more milk for our supposedly endless supply of tea. Although I've regrettably come to trust Enzo somewhat, I still feel the usual dread every evening when he lays beside me. He hasn't tried to do anything yet, or even hinted that he wants to, but I know it's only a moment of time until he runs out of patience.

We have college today, and I know my time of staying in this temporary haven is coming to an end. I have to go back to my house at some point, but I know the longer I leave it the worse my punishment will be. I've barely recovered from what my dad did last time, and I don't know how I'll cope considering this time will most likely be far worse.

It's not unusual for me to stay out for a night, but anything longer than that and I've learnt that it's never worth it. Every time my dad accuses me of ratting him out to the police, and that's only when it's been two days. By the time I get home tonight it would have been four. It's safe to say that the previous anxiety that was bubbling beneath my skin is soon to overwhelm me.

I've been borrowing Enzo's clothes for the past few days, but he bought me a couple pairs of trousers and sweatshirts to replace my bloody pair and give me something to wear today. I of course firmly disagreed with the idea of him buying me clothes, knowing how expensive they can be especially considering he got them brand new. However, no matter what I said it didn't change his mind and that's how the jeans and sweatshirt end up on my bed.

I'm grateful for it, truly, but at the same time it bothers me that he doesn't listen when I tell him I don't want his help. It reminds me that now he knows about my dad, he most likely won't listen when I tell him to leave my situation alone. But I'm also torn up inside, because I know he isn't just doing all this to protect me, it's also to protect himself. I can see the way he looks at me when he doesn't realise I can see him, with that deep level of understanding and empathy. I know that he sees himself in me, but the thing is I'm not him. Enzo was a child when all that happened to him, I'm nearly an adult. I don't need him 'saving' me, all it does is mess up my life even further. I can't trust him, I just can't. 

I get out of the warmth of the bed and make my way into the bathroom, turning on the shower and adjusting the temperature accordingly. I either have to have my showers freezing cold, or scoldingly hot, and today it's definitely hot enough to burn me. 

I welcome it though, let it burn away the nightmares I got last night. Enzo has been feeding me as much as I can physically eat, after years of malnutrition I haven't been able to eat a whole lot and the nightmares I get often end up with me throwing up whatever I managed to eat down the toilet. I don't tell him that of course, and always make sure to run to the downstairs toilet so he doesn't hear me. So far it seems to have worked.

I can't keep going on like this for much longer though, it's been by pure luck alone that his nightmares haven't coincided with mine yet. I often get back to the bedroom and a few moments later he is chased from sleep in a similar way to me.