Lilith (old version)

Chapter 13

Lilith

This chronic emptiness, constant fatigue. My body is worn, my mind is tired. Can I rest yet?

The sounds of machines beeping and the scent of disinfectant should be soothing, it tells me I am alive and I will stay alive. But this is not what I wanted, I should be dead by now. Why, why, why, why. Who did this? Who took me here? 

I will kill them before I kill myself.

I'm so grateful for this anger, I cling onto it like a lifeline. I know soon the pain will come back, the only thing pushing it away is this pure fury. I feel like I'm on fire, burning in my rage. This unjustness. I had a plan, I went through with it. Nobody would've survived that without help. I should be dead. 

I open my eyes and it's blinding how bright the light is around me, I rapidly blink away the cloud blurring my vision. I'm in a normal hospital bed, at least. It would be awful if they locked me away in a psych ward, although it would probably be the right thing to do.

I look down at myself, at the tubes sticking out of my body. The bandages wrapped around my wrists are almost comical. One of my wrists is broken and the other has a massive gash in it. Now I have to live with the fact I'll have a scar there forever, I guess I could tattoo over it. But it will have to be a big tattoo.

I hear a sleepy sigh from next to my bed, and when I turn I freeze. Lorenzo. 

Why is it always Lorenzo? 

Everytime I've needed saving he's there, but what he doesn't seem to understand is I don't want saving. I was perfectly fine getting bruised up a bit by my dad, and ignored by everyone around me.

I mean, I'm not exactly ignored considering the friend group I'm in. But I don't stand out, and nobody sees me as an individual person I'm just one of them. Just another part of that group. I like it just how it is, and I don't need Lorenzo trying to figure out my life all the time. His questions, god, I don't know why I even answered them. I will never forgive myself for admitting such personal thoughts.

I watch him carefully as his eyes flutter open. His face is so peaceful when he sleeps, he almost looks kind of pretty. 

No, no. He is not pretty. Do not think he is pretty.

He is though, pretty. More than just pretty, perfect. Even the little scar on his forehead is perfect. I'll never tell him that though. 

His eyes widen for a split second and then he's standing right next to me. He doesn't say anything for a long, long while.

"Why did you do that, Lilith?" He asks softly, so softly. His voice has a slight rasp after sleeping, and I think it's the most attractive thing I've ever heard.

Get these thoughts out my head.

"Why did you come save me, Lorenzo?" I counter argue. Isn't it obvious, I think, why I did what I did.