Lilith (old version)

Chapter 22

Lilith

I have survived so many fires I can no longer tell if I am alive or if I'm still burning.

"So, what are we?" Enzo asks me, "If you're ready to put a label on it, that is."

"I don't know." I reply. It's the truth, although I know this conversation will end with us officially being boyfriend and girlfriend. The thought both fills me with dread but also a fragile sense of security. It's fine just being together without a label because when you want to stop seeing that person you don't have to break up, you can just leave whenever you want. But when there's a label involved it means you've committed, therefore you have to break up. Im grateful that I'll be able to rely on Enzo a bit more though, without worrying as much that he could just drop me and leave whenever he wants. 

"Lilith, will you be my girlfriend. Officially?" He adds.

"Yes, of course." I reply, trying to make my smile reach my eyes.

"I know we agreed to just stay friends, but I always thought us being together would be inevitable..." That word inevitable clangs through me like a shock wave, "... so I bought you a bracelet for when the moment came." Enzo reaches into the bedside drawer and grabs a small black box.

When he opens it I'm met with a clearly incredibly expensive bracelet, it's intricately carved and made of pure gold and the charm has diamonds imbedded into it. It's beautiful, if it was for someone else perhaps. What Enzo doesn't know is I hate gold, I only ever wear silver, and I hate wearing bracelets because nobody ever sees them due to me wearing long sleeves all the time. But why would he know all that? Because he doesn't know me at all.

"It's beautiful, Enzo. I love it!" I say, enthusiasm filling my voice and a smile beaming across my face. 

I hold my wrist out and watch him close the clasp. I twist it in the light, pretending to examine it with awe. The charm has his initials stamped into it, a permanent reminder of him if for whatever reason I forget the gifter; I won't. 

"I'm so glad you like it." He smiles at me, "Anyways, we need to get ready for college. I was thinking we could tell other people about us today? If that's okay with you, of course." Enzo asks eagerly, but the idea disgusts me. I don't want us to be public; not now, not ever.

"Enzo I'd love to, but I don't think that's a good idea. You saw how Ashley was when you were just talking to me, if she finds out we're dating then she'll never forgive me." The lie slips of my lips easily, and it's close enough to the truth that he'll never question it.

"Oh, I guess I didn't think about that." His voice is full with disappointment, and I silently sigh in relief.

The thing is, I do like Enzo. It really wasn't his fault last night, sure he could've gone slower and checked if I actually wanted it, but I also understand why he didn't feel the need to. From his point of view we've been practically living together for days and he's held back from doing anything, so he's immediately become the perfect good guy. Therefore, in his eyes he deserved to get what he wanted. 

It's a fucked up way to think, but unless you've been raped or sexually assaulted it's hard to understand that some people just never want to have sex or need a heck of a lot of time to get to the stage of truly feeling comfortable with it. And luckily, or unluckily in my case, Enzo doesn't have any experience with what being raped feels like.