Lilith (old version)

Chapter 20

Lilith

I've been here before, I tell myself. I've been lonelier than this, more hopeless than this, more desperate than this. I've been here before and I survived. I can survive again.

It's an odd sort of comfort, sleeping next to Enzo. I've never slept in someone else's bed except for sexual encounters, and although it irks me that nothing has happened I find peace in it. I know that Enzo wouldn't purposefully do anything to me without my consent, but that knowledge doesn't stop the dread coiling in my gut that at any moment he could decide he's had enough of playing the nice guy. I told him I wouldn't shut him out, and I know these thoughts are part of that, but I can't bring myself to voice them. Partly because I'm ashamed of those thoughts, and partly because I know if he reacts wrongly then I might shut down from him emotionally forever. 

I've forgiven him for his earlier words, the pain they caused me, but that doesn't mean I've forgotten them. That self destructive part of me is sitting there, waiting for him to mess something up so I have an excuse to flee. It's hard not to listen to it, incredibly hard. In fact I think I've already been swayed by it's persuasive words. I hate it, I hate me. I despise that I won't let myself feel true peace or happiness, but I can't blame myself for that natural reaction. Some small part of me is still fighting, still protecting, against more emotional conflict. No, I could never hate that part of me. But I feel sorry for it, for that girl who can't trust anyone, who barely even trusts herself.

Enzo stirs beside me and I force my features to settle into a warm, open expression. I won't let myself trust him, or get too close, but I will let myself enjoy the small comforts he gives me. I need this small window of happiness in my life more than I deserve it. I just need a moment of light, so I can breathe, so I can rest for a little while. Then once I'm strong enough I can go back to my self destructive tendencies and leave this delicate bubble of safety for my own stone walls that I've created around my mind.

"Hey", I say softly.

"Hey", Enzo replies with a small smile.

We stay like that for a minute, then two, then three. Just staring at each other, at the fact we can lay side by side undisturbed. By the fourth minute though I feel my walls shutting down, creating an itching sense that travels down my body as his once peaceful gaze suffocates me. Yet another of my issues I'm going to have to overcome, eye contact. It's not even just the eye contact, it's any form of staring at me that sets me on edge. I don't even know how it began, I can't remember when someone simply watching me didn't feel like a threat. 

I get out of the warmth of the covers, somewhat abruptly, and make my way to the bathroom; needing a moment of peace to myself. I know if he stayed watching me like that it would cause the irritation to form into a deadly anger. Again, it's somethin I should probably voice to him but that part of me in my mind convinces me to keep my mouth shut yet again. I listen to it though, I doubt talking to him about those parts of me would help anyone. Enzo could never understand why I feel this way because in truth, I don't understand either. 

I make a point to flush the toilet and wash my hands, giving me a cover for suddenly getting out of bed. I roll up my sleeve, checking the long gash that runs down my arm. It's not infected, which is a relief, but it's not fully scabbed over yet either. I have to wear the bandages to protect it, but they end up sticking to the dried blood and when I change the wrap it removes the barely formed scabs. I decide to take off the covering, letting the wound breathe so it can heal faster. It's only really at night that I need to cover it, just incase any blood leaks through onto the mattress.