𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈𝐟 𝐖𝐞 𝐅𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐈𝐧 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞

CHAPTOR 09: RYAN

The conversation with Finn ended up with me rushing to the bathroom and throwing up. Finn pointed out that I was getting pale the next thing we knew, I was throwing up in my bathroom. It’s a good thing that there’s a bathroom inside my office so I didn’t have to run down my office hallways and make a scene about it.

Finn didn’t touch this topic again but insisted that I go home and rest. He knows I don’t rest, my health gets upset then it gets set. I don’t take medicines, I don’t do doctor visits, I don’t waste my day laying in bed coughing my shit out. If I’m not going to my office then I’m doing my work from home. I don’t compromise with work.

I entered the house and it felt empty. Rose’s not home. Usually when I enter the house, I can feel her presence in the whole house, the scent of roses surrounds me and her presence is noticeable.

Since, Rose isn’t home, I’ll clean myself, I smell like shit. Because you just vomited. I don’t know why I remind myself that.
I made my way upstairs to our bedroom, took off my coat tie, socks and shoes and went in the bathroom.

I took off my clothes and went inside the shower. My head feels heavy. I was getting headaches since last week after my unexpected date with Rose. Because after that night, I couldn’t sleep, I kept reminding myself that I don’t have any relationship with Rose but the thought of her always brought me to my what if… thoughts.

What if we do make this marriage work? What if I spend time with her without having the reason to find out who murdered my brother? What if we become something else?

I quickly turned on the cold shower and let my thoughts wash away once again. I need to stop thinking about this but I can’t. whenever I close my eyes, my date with Rose flashes into my mind. I’ve been pulling all-nighters because she kept coming in my dreams.

This has never happened. I never let a girl get attached to me, not even my previous girlfriends, I never had a serious relationship and that was the one thing all of my previous girlfriends hated and I didn’t much care.

I’m not suppose to like being with Rose but after our date, being with Rose is the only thing I want to do. Being with her makes me comfortable (when it shouldn’t) being with her feels good, I feel like I can be myself and no matter what she’d never judge me. A part of me wants to put down my armor and show her all my scars, tell her my darkest secrets, just be with her.

When Rose finds out you were using her, she’d want a divorce.

I made my hand into a fist and placed it on my forehead while the cold water continued rushing through me.

Finn’s statement of the outcome of using John’s advice made me sick and worried. As much as I know she deserves someone who will love her, I can’t admit the fact that I want her to find someone else because I don’t.

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After taking a cold shower—and trying to remove thoughts of rose, I went in my study room and started answering some emails. I ignored the pounding in my head and kept a glass of water on my table for when I felt nauseous.

I didn’t bother texting Rose that I was home—hell, I stopped myself from texting her. I hated that I wanted her in the house. I’ve lived alone before and I like being alone, so why do I want her here now?