𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈𝐟 𝐖𝐞 𝐅𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐈𝐧 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞

CHAPTER 20: RYAN

Rose is hard to understand.

Whenever I try to get close with her, doing things a normal husband would usually do with his wife.

Like talking to her about her day, the things she like. Stare at her- I mostly do that because she's a beautiful person and it's hard not to stare at her.

I don't know if I'm in love but I do know I enjoy Rose's company and I want to be with her. Not for the sake of marriage. Not for the sake of finding who killed Jack. Not for the sake of Henry's dying wish. But because I want to. And because she's worth loving for.

But no matter how hard I try, she's avoiding me. I thought she wanted the marriage to work but now it looks like she gave up on it.

You're too late.

My shoulders tensed at that thought. I don't know what Rose did to me but I can't stop having thoughts about if she wants to end the marriage.

What if she gave up on us? What if she found someone else? What if she asks me for a divorce?

Never have I ever been so scared to loose a girl in my life.

I'd be damned if I lost her. I'd never forgive myself.

The sound of the front door opening brought me out of my thoughts.

Rose's home.

She and Bree went out to have dinner. She cancelled on me when I said we can go out to eat. She's been cancelling on me a lot.

Before, I use to avoid interactions with her but now it's her who's avoiding interactions with me.

I watched from the kitchen as Rose walked in the living room. She put away her keys and purse then fell onto the couch. Her body relaxing as she rested a cushion under her head.

She didn't notice me. I've never seen her at such ease before.

She thinks no one's watching but I am, silently observing her.

She's laying on her stomach. She was wearing jeans and a white t-shirt. Her eyes were closed as if that's the only time she can relax.

I've seen how she sleeps. I know she has nightmares when her brows get drawn together and she grabs her pillow tightly. Her past, her mistakes, the lives she lost, all of it traumatizes her. And still, she keeps a smile on her face.

I stayed quiet watching her. She didn't notice me. She stayed in the same position for few minutes then she moved to lay on her back. She rested her right arm over her head and her left hand on her stomach, she opened her eyes and stared at the ceiling. Her right leg was falling over the couch and her left was straightened.

After a moment, her body released a sigh and she got up without looking in my direction.

She turned to go upstairs, that's when she realized I was present in the room. All this time.

She froze on her steps as if she saw a ghost. Maybe she didn't want me to see her like this but I can't stop thinking about it.

Rose has always been selfless, she always put other people's needs before hers and that's why everyone loved her. Maybe that's why I wanted to be with her.

"You're not asleep," she finally spoke.

"Have you ever seen me sleeping when you're out late?" I asked, she slightly shook her head "I couldn't sleep,"

"Did you eat?"

"Yes,"

"Good,"

"How was dinner?"

"Good," she said "we talked, it was fun"

I hummed "good,"

We stood quietly staring in each other's eyes till she broke the contact and said "it's getting late, we should go to slee-"

"What were you thinking?"

My question took her by surprise. She looked at me, scared and concerned.

"What do you mean?" She asked.

I started walking out of the kitchen "when you layed there," I said taking small steps towards her "you were at ease when you closed your eyes but then.." I stopped only 2 feet away from her, I could hear her breathing unsteady "you looked like something disturbed you... What was it?"

"Nothing," she said and covered the pain with her chuckle "I think you're sleepy, we should head to bed, it's getting late-"

"Rose," I said, her face softened when she noticed the concern on my face "what's wrong?"

Her eyes teared up after a moment "you can't do this," she whispered

"Do what?"

"Be nice. Caring- stop doing that," her voice cracked, she shook her head "this marriage was an act of kindness from you," she said as if her own words were hurting her "you don't believe in love. You don't want a relationship. You have nothing to do with me-" her voice broke again and she didn't speak

"Rose- what are you talking about?" I said, I stepped forward to comfort her but she stepped back shaking her head

"Sorry, sorry, I think-" she forced a chuckle "I think I'm drunk. That's why I'm talking like this," she shook her head again "let's just go to sleep,"

She tried to escape but I gently grabbed her wrist and pulled her towards me. My arm automatically wrapped around her waist as she faced me, her body pressed with mine.

I stared in her eyes when I talked "say it," I said "say what you want to. Stop keeping things inside. You're destroying yourself,"

She stared at me, confused, scared.

"Do.." she started "do you believe in love?"

"No," I knew my answer broke her "but that doesn't mean I don't want to fix this marriage." I said "Rose, I don't know what you did to me. But whatever you did wants me to keep you near all the time. You make me think about the most terrifying thoughts and they all... They all are reminders of you leaving if I don't make this right."

She stared at me, she opened her mouth to say something but closed it, she opened it again"Ryan.." she said "I-"

I didn't let her speak. I pressed my lips against hers before she could even finish the sentence. I've been holding back for too long.

Her lips were soft and tasted like honey. My other hand which was holding her wrist slidded down to wrap around her waist.

I pulled her closer when I felt her lips move to kiss back. Her hands rested on my neck as we kept the kiss soft and gentle.

She soon parted her lips and our tongue danced together. Her hands went inside my hair and I clutched her harder to my body.

After what felt like the most amazing moment of my life. We pulled away. I opened my eyes to find her breathlessly staring at me.

"I.."

"Are you too drunk to forget about this?" I asked, she shook her head, I smiled "good,"

"You..." She said breathlessly "you.. we.."

"Made out? Yes."

She still looked at me like she didn't believe it happened.

"You're tired," I said, removing strands of her hair from her face "let's head to bed,"

"Okay."

"Can I hold you when we sleep?"

She didn't answer for a moment then nodded.

"Good."

We both went upstairs in our room. Changed. Then got into bed.

And as soon as she layed in my arms, I knew in that moment Rose was meant to be mine and I was never letting anyone or anything hurt what was mine.