Erica Clifford - Completed

Forty two

A single tear slipped out of his eye and rolled down his cheek. Like both of ours were racing to see who's could reach our jawline first. Mine won. But it had a head start. 

"Talk to me Ez."

"I don't have anything to say."

"You do. You just don't want to hurt yourself more." The hand he had above my head moved slowly, down to my neck. His four fingers around the back, this thumb wiping away my tear trail. "Tell me how it hurt you Erica. Please. I need to know." I blinked as he rubbed my cheek again. The softness of his touch paired with his calloused fingers made sure it wasn't something to be missed. "How many nights have you ended up at Brooke's or the studio? Out of the 10 nights? How many have you spent completely in your own house." 

None. Not a single one. I'd go to Brooke's one night, the studio or I'd drive around. I hadn't slept through the night since the night before the club. 

"Baby, please." 

"None." He swallowed hard. I wanted to pull my eyes from his. To look away because looking into them right now was hurting. Watching me make him hurt. But he was asking me to, forcing me to. He wanted to know how bad it hurt me so he never did it again. I knew that. But I didn't want to hurt him. 

"How many of those were you crying yourself to sleep?" I looked away now. I couldn't stand it. He sighed, his thumb moving my chin up before rubbing my cheek again. "All of them?" I nodded. He put his forehead on mine. "How many times have you thought about ending it all again?" 

What? 

I stumbled backwards. Even though I was against the door, I lost my footing. 

"Who-" 

"Brooke told us in passing that Sunday morning."

"I- um." I ducked out of his grasp. That was way too far. I couldn't answer that. I didn't want to answer that. Not even my mother knew about that. Just me, Brooke and dad. The only people who needed to know. 

"Erica-" 

"I need to go back to work, can you- Um- Please?" I fumbled my words and he stood back. "Thanks." I stepped forward and pulled the door open, quickly leaving.  

If I thought I was shaking before this was something else. I don't know how I was still standing but I was. God I was a fucking joke wasn't I? He sat there and walked away, knowing I could have been suicidal and still didn't say a word for 11 days. Not even a text to say he was there if I needed him. And god had I needed him. 

The 4 night drives I'd done I'd ended up at the same place. I'd stood there, peering over the edge. One step and It would be done. No one would have to worry about any of it ever again. Then I'd sit there, my legs over the edge and I'd cry. For hours. Until the sun came up, when I'd drive home and crawl into bed for 4 hours sleep. Only to wake up and do it all again.

"Okay I'm back." I looked up at Oscar who tilted his head. "What?" 

"Are you okay?"

"Yep I'm grand." I smiled, still shaking. "What's next on the to do list?" 

"Nothing. We're all done." 

"Everything?" 

"Everything. We will check it all again tomorrow after final sound checks in the early afternoon but other than that." Oscar and Steve smiled. 

"Stage is open for anyone who wants to rehearse though." Steve winked at me and smiled. 

"Thanks I might use that actually." I nodded. "I'm going to go get sorted and I'll be back, will be like half hour or so?" 

"That works fine. I'll see you back here then and I can test all the lighting you want for the show." I nodded and smiled. 

"Thanks Steve. I appreciate you're hard work." 

"No problem Erica." I turned and walked away, back through the doors and in the opposite direction to where Levi was currently walking. My dressing room was in the other direction anyway.  

The two security guards were stood on my door when I got there. 

"I don't want to be disturbed. Unless its Brooke. She's the ONLY person allowed in until I leave here." They both nodded and I turned to see Levi getting closer, walking quicker to me. I pushed the door open and stepped inside, letting the door close behind me. 

I fell backwards, sliding down it as I heard him talking to the 2 tall built men. 

"But I'm her boyfriend." 

"Sorry pal. She specifically asked no one be allowed in except Brooke."

"I really need to talk to her. She's not okay." 

"We're just following orders." 

"Erica. I know you can hear me please-" 

"Dude, you need to go." It fell to silence and then my phone started buzzing. I pulled it out, needing to make sure it wasn't work. It wasn't.  A picture I'd taken of him passed out asleep the morning after we'd made us official was burning into my screen. 

I could barely see it through the tears that were streaming. It stopped and I laid my head back before it started again, this time accompanied with a text. 

I know you're watching it ring.
Please answer. 
I miss you so much Ez.  

I let out a sob as his face continued flashing up and the texts kept coming. 

I'm sorry. 
I'm so fucking sorry I made you go through that alone.
I should have been there. I should have held you whilst you cried
I should be in there with you now. Holding you, wiping your tears away
Please answer. 
Or reply just so I know you're alive. 
I mean I can see you're reading these.
Baby. I know you're not okay. No matter how well you try to hide it.
I don't know what you're battling, what's going through you're head but I'm here
I know I wasn't but I am.

The ringing stopped. I think he was changing tactics after 13 missed calls. 

What are you wearing tomorrow?
I like what you're wearing today. You look important, fancy even. 
That green brings out your eyes.
It made them more blue but that might have been the tears though.
<3 
We don't have to talk about that if you don't feel comfortable Ez. 
But you shouldn't be embarrassed about it.
I can see the logic behind it. 
You think you're being a nuisance to everyone because now
They've had to change everything and everyone's worried about you
I mean they should be. I know I am.
And if you did it, he couldn't hurt you anymore
And you wouldn't hurt me because you know how bad I want to hurt him for hurting you.
But you've asked me not to so I won't. But god I so could.
I want to promise you he won't hurt you again.
I want to guarantee that for you Erica. So fucking bad. 
But I can't without hurting him. So I won't
What I can promise is that you never have to handle him alone.
That I will hold you until it's all okay again, no matter how much you push me away.
And If me just sitting here opposite your changing rooms with your favourite flowers and coffee is how I prove to you that I'm not going anywhere then I will. 
Baby? 
Please let me in.
I need to tell you something and I don't want to do it over text. I will if I have to be I really don't want to.

I slowly brought myself to my feet, wiping my cheeks of the salt streams. I put my hand on the handle. 

Should I let him in?