Untitled for now

Jared

I toss my phone across the bed . I'm tired of picking it up every few minutes to double check that I didn't miss a text back from Adriana . Its been over an hour since I texted her and two since I seen her at Secrets .
   This anxiety is a new feeling for me . I'm always in control when it comes to women . They are usually throwing their phones while awaiting a text from me . One that usually never comes . Not after what I got what I wanted from them .
  I know what I sound like . Misogynist . Cold- hearted . Emotionally unavailable.Womanizer . Asshole . I suppose I am those things . I won't even defend myself . At least I can say I am a self assured asshole .I know what I am .
    I guess the real question would be why I Am the way that I am . You didn't need a phd to note that my dad walking out when I was still in diapers and my mom being a dead beat alcoholic probably paid a big part . Sure my parents fucked me up but whose hasn't ?
   The real reason I am the way I am goes quite a bit further then mommy and daddy issues .  And it isn't because I'm " afraid " of love . It's not because I'm scared of letting anyone get too close or anything boring and predictable like that . No one will believe me if I ever said this aloud but the truth is I'm a hopeless romantic . I love love .
   I have been in love with the same person since I was old enough to spell "love ". Of course I wasn't always aware of it. Sometimes it came in the form of a general endearment .Sometimes it came in the form of an overwhelming need to protect . Others times it was in the form of familiarity and comfort ability.Sometimes it was straight up jealously . A lot of the times it was lust .
  I experienced all different forms of love but the person I felt this way towards was the same .
        Adriana was the love of my life but we could never be together and that was the truth .
  This truth . This unbearable truth was the reason I was the way I was . What was the point of experiencing anything else besides sex with any other women ? Was I suppose to pretend there could be more ? Was I suppose to get to know them knowing no one in the world could hold a candle to Adriana ?
  In my opinion I was doing these other women a favor . I wasn't leading them on and letting them believe we were going to be together and then breaking their heart . I was always straight up . I'd tell them that they were lovely but that I was only interested in sex . In a a movie you would expect a smack in the face when a man would say that to a women . In real life they ate it up . I wondered if they considered it a challenge . Maybe they felt they would be different that they would be the one to make me fall in love . Maybe they thought I was bluffing . Perhaps all they wanted was no strings attached sex too . I didn't know and I honestly didn't care . I had needs and when the time came to fulfill those needs all I needed was a surrogate . Someone who I can touch and feel while imagining I was with Adriana instead . I know that that's beyond messed up .I told you I'm an asshole.
  Now that the question of why I am the way that I am is answered I'm aware there's another burning question . Why can't Adriana and I be together ?
This answer is slightly more simple . As you may have picked up by now Adriana is my sister . Not by blood of course or even by marriage .That would be disgraceful. We are bonded together through family though .
   I first met Tyler when I was only 6.. We were both sat together at lunch even though we didn't have the same first grade class .  My mom had made a very futile attempt of making me lunch . I can still remember the look of Tyler's pity when I pulled a bruised apple out of a plastic bag . It had seed shaped holes and was almost completely brown . Tyler had quietly unwrapped a sandwich that had been placed in a paper towel . His name was written in sharpie on it along with " xoxo- mom ". It was a turkey and cheddar  cheese sandwich cut neatly into fours . He had a side of cucumbers . Fresh berries  . A bag of Doritos . I tried not to stare .
  He didn't even know my name but he toke exactly half of each of his items and used the lid of his Toy Story lunch box to pass them to me . I was almost too humiliated to eat it but the hunger surpassed that feeling .
When I had finished  every last bite of what was given to me I shyly said " Thanks . My name is Jared ".
The next day he had not one but two turkey and cheese sandwiches .  I was confused when I watched him pull them both out . Even more confused  when I looked closer at the paper towel .There in sharpie was my name .
  It only toke a few weeks of Tyler bringing me lunch before his mom wanted to meet me . We arranged for me to come to their home after school.
Their home was a fortress and Maria Lima was an absolute peach . She was the kind of mother I had only seen on TV. She made sure the house always smelled like fresh baked cookies . She had made fresh vegetables , warm bread from scratch , at every meal . Nelson Lima was the kind of father I had only seen on TV . He came from work at 5:00pm every night  wearing a suit and tie . He would have a briefcase in one hand and would place it on the ground , kneel on one knee with his arms wide while Tyler and Adriana would run to give him a hug . I didn't even know families like this truly existed .
It was only a few weeks after meeting me that Tyler's family started inviting me to playdates on an almost daily basis. A few weeks after that we had our first sleepover . My mom didn't mind at all . It made her life a lot easier when she didn't have to worry about feeding me . She would much rather trade her food stamps for vodka then buy actual food .
Tyler was the best friend I had ever had and it wasn't long before we acted like brothers . We had the same sense of humor . We both loved sports . As we got older we both found a love for music . His parents even paid for both of our guitar lessons  and then vocal lessons once we discovered we also both loved to sing .
Music lessons and home made meals were just a fraction of the things that The Limas did for me .
They treated me like I was their own child and I made it my life mission to let them know how grateful I was . I even owe most of my motivation to truly pursue a musical career to them . As much as it was me following my dream to make music I always had it the back of my mind to pay them back financially . I've since done this . Ten-fold.
  I should let it be known that money wasn't important to them anyways . Nelson was an investment broker and had created his own hedge fund when his kids were still toddlers . By the time I came in the picture the Lima family was the richest family in town . It was still important for me to pay them back for all they they did for me even so . 
You might find it a little strange that I've been so adamant about paying back an already rich family who were only helping me from the kindness of their hearts .  If I'm being honest I was hoping that it would change their minds . Maybe if I showed them I could provide they would take back what they said. The thing that they said that I've lived my life by .
I am not and will never be worthy of being with Adriana .