Untitled for now

Adriana 15 years old

I may have dreamed of this moment for what felt like my whole life .They say childhood memories are often impossible to remember and they are mostly just our imagination recreating moments we were told about or pictures we've seen . That may be true but I can promise you I have some very vivid childhood memories that actually happened . The one I'm thinking of this moment almost makes me laugh out loud but of course I don't . That would break me from this kiss.
   The memory is of me in my bedroom around the age of 7. I was listening to some boy band and of course thinking of him . Jared was always on my mind even then . I had just seen him trying to teach my brother to skateboard and my mind was  filled with thoughts about being the one he was giving his attention to . I imagined him placing one arm around my waist the other holding my hand and gently gliding me on the skateboard teaching me how to coast . Maybe I'd fall and scrape my knees and he would feel so bad that he would kiss me to make me feel better . I started to get rally into the thought of him kissing me that I grabbed the nearest thing which just happened to be my oversized 3ft tall pink teddy bear my dad had won for me at a carnival . I placed my lips against the bears lips and pretended it was Jared . The reason I relented this so vividly was because my brother walked in a second later . He still brings it up sometime ,
   But now I don't have to pretend Mr.Beary is Jared kissing because now I have the real thing . The last few months of us hanging out has been a dream and I was kind of picking up a vibe that he was into me . I wasn't sure if it was wishful thinking or what but I'd often catch him staring at me when he thinks I didn't notice . I observed how when I was upset about something he immediately became upset about it too . I knew he cared about me in a weird older brother whose not really my older brother way but lately it felt deeper then that . He had stopped mentioning other girls around me and I couldn't help but notice the annoyance in his face when I mentioned any other guy . Not that any guy from my high school compared to him .
  Now that we've been kissing for a few minutes I find that my body wants even more . It's not hard to imagine his hands reaching under my shirt and caressing my breast . I'd love to reach in his pants and feel if Ive made him hard .I've been thinking a lot about having sex for the first time lately . I know some of my girl friends have had it and didn't have good reviews . They said it's over really fast and that it kind of hurts and that when it's your first time there could even be some blood . They said the guy is the one who has a good time and then he tells all his friends .it actually sounds like their experiences were pretty awful . Then again they didn't have Jared for their first time .
I was well aware that Jared was no virgin . He's had plenty of girlfriends since he was 13. The kid of his good looks , great personality , and a bedroom where his mom wasn't exactly checking on him was a perfect mixture for him to be one of the most experienced boys in school . Now you would think that this would intimate me but to honest it felt like a challenge. Yes he's had other girls but has he ever had a girl he actually cared about ? A girl that truly cared for him back and who would retain pleasure just by pleasuring him? I knew I could be the one to turn sex into making love for him . I may now know what to do but I knew the connected we shared .
Was I really considering losing my virginity to Jared ? Asking the question to myself in my mind the answer came right away . Of course I would . Who else ? He's the only one for me .
" Jared . I want you to be my first " I say as I finally break the kiss . It felt like I would die if I broke away from the kiss but seeing the surprised yet ecstatic  look on his face seems worth it . As quickly as the happily surprised look came on it's replaced with a concerned hard stare and I hold my breath for his response .
" Babe I couldn't . You're so young . Your first time should be really special with someone you've been dating a long time ." He says and I notice he cant look me in the face . The fact that he called me babe leaves me feeling so elated that the rejection barely registers .
"But I want it to be you . I love you and you love me  so of course it would be special ."I say with a smile and wait for him to just kiss me again already . He called me babe . The way a boyfriend would call his girlfriend .I could lay down right there and let him have me while the waves crashed around us . It would be a dream first time with the perfect person .
Jared stares at me for a moment and just when I think he's going to lean in and continue what we started he turns away and looks out at the ocean . It feels like a lifetime goes by before he speaks again .
" Adriana sex is a big deal especially when you're 15.  You're really young .I mean please don't get me wrong . I meant it when I said I'm falling in love with you :My feelings for you are stronger then I've ever felt for anyone . I've been nervous for weeks to tell you how I feel . Just being your friend has been driving me Insane . I don't want to be your friend but I really don't think I've thought this through. I mean if your brother finds out we kissed I think he would lose his mind . Let alone your parents !  They have practically raised me and do so much for me and then here I am sucking face with their little girl. You just had your first kiss and since I'm older you now think you're ready for sex .I'm such a piece of shit for this .  I'm the adult here and I feel like I'm taking advantage of you . I'm no good for you ".
" shut up ! " I'm standing up with my hands balled into fist and can't listen to another word of this .
"Do not call me a little girl i am 15 years old and perfectly capable of knowing what I want! Who cares about my brother and my parents . You know me better then any of them and I know you better then they do too ! You out of all people know how much I hate people telling me what's good for me and what isn't . The last few minutes kissing you and the past few months spend with you is the happiest I ever been . Am I reading this wrong ? I thought you were feeling the same " my voice cracks at the end  and I turn away from him. I put my face into my hands and begin to cry . Maybe he's right . I feel like a little girl the way I can't help but cry in this moment.
" no please Adriana .please don't cry . It hurts me to see you cry , I never meant to hurt you , that's not how tonight was suppose to go at all . God I'm such a fuck up!".
" Yes you are ! Now take me home !" My embarrassment has now turned into rage . The fact that he didn't correct me to say he feels the same doesn't go unnoticed by me . I'm saying something I don't mean . Of course he's Not a fuck up . He's perfect . He's perfect and he doesn't want me . At least not enough to defy my overbearing family .Nothing has changed .
I don't look at him as I start to head towards his Jeep . Let him clean up the blanket . The blanket we could've made love on if he wasn't such a coward .
I get into the Jeep and slam the door . If he's going to treat me like a child I'll act like one .
He gets to car and starts it without saying anything . It's going to be a long 15 minute drive if we stay in silence . I'm not sure what's worse . The fact that the last thing spoken was me calling him a fuck up or that I tried to have sex with him .
He reaches over and places his hand on my thigh . He leans back and looks over while at a red light and I have a thought that I should pick his hand up and throw it off of me . That's not what I want though . I love the feeling of his touch even at a time like this . Maybe especially at a time like this. I place my hand over his and he turns his hand over so that we're now holding hands . I open to my mouth to utter an apology for what I said but he speaks first .
" I love you Adriana . I would love nothing more then to be the one to take your virginity . When the time is right I will be the one ."
He squeezed my hand once before removing it and putting it back on the steering wheel . We had arrived at my car.I choose to say nothing in return but accept a brief kiss before getting out .
And so begins the hot /cold , on again , off again , will they , won't they ,tremendous love affair of my life .