Untitled for now

Adriana - present

The pull of the seatbelt is irritating against my skin as I'm pushing against it to kiss Joel harder . We're in the back of the Uber we decided to take instead of the subway and I'm not even sure if we told the driver where to go . I can only hope we said his place or mine .
   After having Joel see the text from Jared saying " sorry about this morning I love you " I was mortified . I mean not only do I look shady that I was with an ex earlier that day but the fact that this ex is saying " I love you " definitely makes me  look bad . Really bad. If my date got a text like that I would probably be out the door .
  Instead Joel said nothing . He kept on playing games with me at the arcade and being just as affectionate as he was before . I almost would've thought i mistaken that he saw the text of it wasn't for the little speech his brother gave me while saying goodbye to us at the Uber .
  Benji and Melanie had plans to stay out later while Joel and I had gotten so touchy to the point we were looking for someplace to be alone . We ordered the Uber and we're making out while waiting for it . Benji and Melanie doing the same next to us . When the Uber came and the time came for us to all hug our goodbyes , Benji had pulled me into a hug and didn't let go at the about 3 second interval that was considered normal , instead he held me there and said something to me in my ear .
" if you still love your ex it's fine but please don't hurt me brother ."
I barely had time to register what he said before Joel had pulled me in the Uber , fastened my seatbelt for me , and continued the kiss .
The amount of guilt I felt was immense . It wasn't just because It was obvious Joel seen the text and must've mentioned something to Benji . The guilt was coming from something else . I did still love my ex . However I refuse to hurt Joel .
I break away from the kiss  and look at him . My eyes are moving fast as I watch his . There's so many thoughts going through my mind . I want to tell him how much I really like him . How being with him that night has been so fun and light hearted and easy . The way it should feel like with someone you like., I wanted to tell him that yes I saw Jared but nothing happened . We'll I guess that wouldn't be true . Something did happen but not really at the same time . If anything it was a reminder that we're toxic . We aren't ever going to be normal . It was a reminder that I needed to move on with my life .
I wanted to say all those things but the courage left me . I decided if he wanted to talk about he would bring it up . I had to remind myself that not every man was as possessive as Jared was . Maybe Joel just understood  that we are in the very beginning stages of whatever this is going to be . At this time and place we probably both have a lot of baggage . We don't necessarily owe each other an explanation.  When the time is right we'll have the ex talk . We'll have the body count talk where I'll have to admit I've only slept with one man in my life . We'll have the talk about love and heart breaks . For now I'll just kiss him in the backseat of a car as it drives through the streets of the city .
When the Uber comes to a stop we keep kissing . There's a part of me that doesn't want to pull away . If we pull away a decision needs to be made . Do I invite him upstairs ? Doing so would absolutely result in sex . It's not that I'm not crazy attracted to him . The fact that we've been kissing for a good thirty minutes and his hands have stayed politely on my waist almost bothers me . I want him so badly . I want to know how he would fuck me . I want us to officially elevate whatever it is we are and do something we can never take back . I want to finally let a man inside me that isn't Jared .
The driver clears his throat causing us to finally break away . I check my surroundings and notice they aren't familiar . We must've told the driver to head to Joel's . This leaves the ball in his court . Invite me up or kiss me good night .
" so this is me . Would you want to come upstairs ? " he asks and I sense the nervousness in his voice and find it charming. Compared to Jared's excessive self confidence I find it refreshing . I should also probably stop comparing the two .
" I'd love to "'I answer and I mean it . He grabs my hand and helps me out the car . I feel a little uneasy on my feet and he guides me along . I guess the night of drinking is starting to catch up to me . The three flights of stairs to his apartment with no elevator doesn't help either . Nor does my 6 inch heels :Joel walks behind me with an arm around my waist and we laugh at how each step seems to be becoming more difficult for us . By the time we reach his floor I'm embarrassingly out of breath hopefully more from laughing then being out of shape .
" I probably should've done this 5 minutes ago but hey never too late " Joel says and proceeds to lift me up right off my feet and carry me newly wed style through his doorway . It's dark when we walk in and Joel Almost trips over his overly excited boxer at his feet but manages to land me nicely on the couch that's only a good 3fr from the front door . If you know New York apartments then you understand.
" holy shit I Almost dropped you !"
" holy shit you have a dog ! Why haven't you ever told me you have a dog " I say and I'm allowing the dog to hop on my lap and cover me with kisses .
" get down cash !" Joel said grabbing the dogs collar.
" no no I love it ! Wait his name is cash ?"
Joel laughs and nods .
" yeah benji named him . Something about manifesting what you want and we definitely needed cash to come to New York . He's a good boy just likes to jump on our guest " he says and commands Cash to get down .I pout .
" you know you could probaly get any thing you want with that face " Joel says and sits next to me .
" hmm we'll I want a kiss" I say and his lips are on me . We're right back to the momentum we had in the Uber . Making out like we're teens who finally get a moment alone . I pull him in-between my legs and reach for his belt buckle and to my dismay he pulls away .
" babe as much as I want to we shouldn't ."
Are . You . Kidding . Me .
My eyes immediately begin to water. I'm self aware enough to recognize this as an over reaction right away . Before he says it I know what he's going to say . We're both too drunk to have sex . He wouldn't feel comfortable unless I consented when I was sober. Maybe if I was thinking more rational I'd appreciate an act like that .there are terrible men out there who could care less about consent , Joel's a nice guy . He thinks what he's doing is the right thing to do. He has no way of knowing that I was already feeling rejected . I'm suddenly so aware of the feeling Jared had made me feel and I'm feeling it all over again with the person that's supposed to be making me feel better . I don't realize my teary eyes have turned into straight crying until Joel is holding me against his chest , Rubbing my back and saying " it's okay " on repeat .
I'm so embarrassed I can't even look at him . I cover my face with my hands and he immediately takes them off holding them to my side and looks me in my eyes .
" it's not that I don't want to , I'd never wanted anyone more in my life . Id just hate if you regretted it in the morning . Plus all the stuff with your ex . I just want you to be ready . I don't want to be a one off . I don't want to be someone you spend a night with to forget about someone else . I want to actually be with you Adriana . I've wanted you for so long . I want something real with you.I want you to be my girlfriend so badly "
His vulnerability strikes me . It's in that moment I realize that he's right . Maybe we are too drunk to be doing this . Too drunk to have sex . Too drunk to be having such an intense conversation .
I pull him into a hug . Just trying to get my thoughts together .
" your right Joel . We're too drunk for this . I don't even know if you know what you're saying .Maybe we just sleep this off ? I don't even know why I got so emotional , it's just been a long day. " I say in avoice so low it came out as a whisper and I feel him nodding against my neck .
" I know what I'm saying . I'll feel the same in the morning just hope you do too ".
I'm not sure how long we spend in a hug but eventually he gets us some water . He Hands me a y shirt of his to sleep in and I try hard not to feel deja vu from the night before wirh Jared and his shirt . I feel myself being tucked into bed and that's the last thing I remember before I feel a sharp pain in my head .
The hangover headache is what I feel first time before I feel the arm around my waist . I can tell it's daylight before I even open my eyes and my mind takes a few minutes to register where I'm at . I'm at Joel's . We drank too much and now I'm hungover , I finally open my eyes and see he's still out cold . I'm thankful for it as it gives me sometime to reevaluate my whole life .
This isn't like me . Walking up in a man's bed with last nights make up still on and fuzzy memories . It comes back to me slowly . The punk rock bar . Benji and Melanie . The arcade . The text from Jared . All the kissing . Something about making me his girlfriend?
I feel Joel stir and I close my eyes again to pretend I'm asleep . I'm not sure I can face him till I can even remember clearly what happened the night before .
" I know you're awake " he says his voice coarse . I sure he's feeling hungover himself
" I'm not sure I am " I reply and notice my voice is as hoarse as his if not more .
" keep sleeping then." He says and kisses my cheek and nozzles against my neck . I can't help but notice how comfortable I feel waking up next to him . There was a time where i was connived I'd never wake up to any other man but Jared . I guess life has other plans .
" did you mean what you said last night ?" I ask suddenly eager to know . The part about him drunkenly saying how much he wanted to be with me becoming a vivid memory . I didn't want to dance around feelings anymore like Jared and I did for years . If I'm even considering being with anyone whose not Jared I'll be damned if I repeat the same mistakes .
" which part ?"
" all of it ? Any of it ?" I reply .
" all of it " he says " I meant every word . I want to be with you . When you're ready ."
" I think I'm ready " I hear myself answer.
" you think ?" He asks .
" I'm ready " I reply and his lips are on mine . My first thought was to be self conscious of morning breath . My second thought is the comforting fact that morning breath doesn't matter when the guy is now your boyfriend .