If I Lose Myself

prologue

"Catalina, get me a beer!" Tim yell out from the living room.

Swallowing the lump that is already forming in my throat, I climbed down the stairs. I was truly scared of him when my mom was at work. He turns into a crazy monster. He even drugs my mom at night and those are the nights I hate. He comes into my room and has his way with me. I cry and call for my mom, but he would just laugh saying she is out cold. I hated being home alone with him

And when he is not raping me...he beats me.

Grabbing a beer I walked into the living room where he is watching TV. With shaky hands, I handed him the beer keeping my eyes down, and like always, I felt his dirty eyes on me. Something told me that tonight was going to be one of those nights. I turned and walked out the room as fast as I could. Tears started to fall freely down my face, why was this happening to me? I could never understand why this was happening. As I was about to go up the stairs a letter caught my eye. Looking down the hall then back to the letter I picked it up and bolted up the stairs into my room.

I knew it was a bad idea to take the letter because Tim might notice. But I didn't care. Looking down at the name I knew it was my fathers. My birth father. I pulled the letter out and saw a check for six hundred dollars making my eyes go wide. He's paying child support? Could this be the only reason why Tim puts up with me? I should have known! Looking down at the letter once again I saw that it had his address. What if I were to find him? I met him before and he was never pissed or angry, I remember that I always wanted to hang out with him. Of course, I was six at the time.

A knock at my door made me jump right out of my skin, opening my bedside table I threw the check and envelope inside. "Come in."

My mom poked her head in giving me a smile. "Hey honey, how was your day?"

"It was good mom, what about yours?"

"That's good honey, my day was boring and full of work," she walked in taking a sit on my bed. "Is everything okay? You don't want or need to tell me anything?"

Her questions threw me off because not once since she met Tim has she asked how things were going. Something was wrong making the air in the room shifted. I started to fidget on my bed looking at everything but her.

"What are you talking about everything is fine," the look on her face told me otherwise.

"The school called today and wanted to know where you got your bruises. I sat in my office thinking to myself what bruises? You never told me anything about them," she stopped talking and studied my face, "where did you get them and don't you dare lie to me."

She wouldn't believe me if I told her and Tim was anything but nice to me when she was not here. She would not believe me, everything in my body was screaming at me to tell her. To scream out, it was Tim! He has been raping and beating me.

"I fell down the stairs the other day, I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want you to worry," I prayed she bought my lie.

Please, buy my lie!

No one said anything for a bit she finally nodded and stood from the bed. "Okay, but next time tell me so if I get a call like this again, I would not be caught off guard."

"Okay mom, I'm sorry I didn't tell you before but I will next time," she gave me a nodded.

"Are you coming down for dinner?"

I wasn't hungry nor did I want to see Tim, there was no way I was going to eat. "No mom, I have a lot of homework," she didn't look happy with my choice but nodded anyways.

I laid back on my bed and closed my eyes wishing this nightmare was over. My mind wondered to Jake. Wondering how would things be if we had stayed best friends? Tears ran down my face as I remember that horrible day.