If I Lose Myself

Catalina

My dad had chewed my ass out for what I have done at Powers house. He too thinks that I'm on drugs. Power has cut all contact with Bo and me, said that we were not to talk till I apologized for my behavior. It was been almost a month since I've talked to Bo, the only ones I talk to is Sammy and Titus since they are the only one who know. I stopped taking the meds the day Titus found out. He was not happy with my choice but I was dead set on not going through with it. My dad has not let me out the house either, so I've locked myself up in my room. Monster would cry at my door at night but I couldn't bring myself to open it, my dad would try to get me to come out as well.

But nothing.

He was still mad, it was not my fault that this is happening to me.

The longer I stayed in my room, the longer I started longing for death to take me. I was utterly alone in this. Titus promised that he wasn't going to tell my dad and he has held true to his word. The pain was getting worse each day, probably starting to spread out even more. Today I was going to go see Dr. Mitchel to see how long I have to live. I wanted to have time to prepare some things so when the time comes everyone knows what to do.

Like for example, I want to be cremated and casted out over the ocean. I don't want a place where people to come visit me. I was not that important to have a nice funeral like that. The question that has been floating around in my head about being selfish was long gone. It disappeared about a week ago because I was not being selfish about this at all, I have been fighting for my life for far too long. It was time for me to take a place in this lifetime. If I was not meant to live past my teen years, then so be it.

When I heard my dad's bike roar to life outside I went to the bathroom to shower. Stripping my clothes I caught myself in the mirror. I was thinner, my curves were slowly disappearing. After my shower, I got dressed in baggy clothes I didn't want people to see how much I have lost. Looking in the mirror once again my eyes were totally lifeless, they were so dull. A car honked outside letting me know that Sammy was here.

When I got to the car we said our hello but after that, it was quite. We have been drifting apart these last couple days but she insisted that she taking me today. She didn't agree with my choice either but she respected it. I was starting to think that maybe no one should be seeing me go through this but myself. I hated myself for making her hurt like this. But I was ready to die.

Finally getting to the hospital we found Dr. Mitchel already waiting for us. "Why don't you wait out here? It might be easier." I whispered to Sammy.

"Lina, I want to be here for you. Please don't push me away." She said grabbing my hand.

We followed Dr. Mitchel to his office where we took our seats. I was waiting for him to give me this long lecture about not going through with chemo. But he didn't even go in the direction. "Okay, so we got to talk about what is going to happen from here," He said shaking his head. "The first and important thing is how long you have to live."

Sammy let out a sob when he said that, she mumble a sorry and excused herself from his office. "How long am I looking at, because I wanted to start putting things together, I guess that would be a will, right?" he gave a small nod.

"Yes, we can talk about that in a few minutes, we have a lot of things to go over from here," He stated. "You're survival rate is looking to be about five years with treatment. We estimate this by looking at people who were treated at least five years ago, to see the improvements in treatment since then, and so on."

That was only for the people who want to be treated, I, on the other hand, don't want it. "That's for people who get treatment. How about for someone like me, this changes the five-year thing doesn't it?"