If I Lose Myself

Catalina

I was coming in and out as I was laying down. The meds I had taking at the hospital were hitting me hard. This was one thing why I hated the treatment. He made me take them in order to leave the hospital and he told Sammy to watch me. He said that I can crash at any moment, I was just glad that moment was right now. I faintly heard Bo snoring from behind me, turning in his arms I hid my face in his neck. He adjusted himself a bit pulling me a little closer. Closing my eyes to get more sleep but I had no luck, it only made the room spin. This was going to suck on so many levels, why was this happening to me? This was so unfair maybe I should call Sammy and tell her I'm not feeling well.

The food I have eaten at the hospital felt like it was going to come up. Jumping out of Bo's arms I barely made it to the bathroom. Everything came rushing out and every time I tried to breathe I would gag a little. Someone started to rub my back lightly making me turn my head. Bo was looking down at me with worry. Flushing the toilet I stood up but my head started to spin, Bo's hands shot out to steady me. Laying my head on his chest he held me as worry started to fill me to no end.

What if I get hospitalized?

"Did you eat something bad?" Bo whispered rubbing my back lightly again.

"No," I mumbled.

"Here wash your mouth out then we can go back to bed."

Doing what he said I used mouthwash and washed my face a bit. Bo helped me get back in bed where he joined me. My stomach was cramping, the meds don't sit well with an empty stomach. Laying on my back while reaching for Bo's hand I placed it on my belly. He got the picture and started to rub soft circles soothing me. "Where have you been all day, babe?"

"Hmm," I was half away to sleep when he started to talk.

"I asked where were you today. I've missed you." He placed a soft kiss on my temple. I wanted to tell him so bad but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

"I just hung out with Sammy at the mall, we lost track of time," I whispered lightly. By the time I finished talking I was in and out again.

I think he was starting to notice that I was going in and out as my voice drifted. "Babe, are you okay? You don't sound like yourself."

Silence.

I was out of it nothing was forming in my mind at this point, all I wanted to do was sleep. Closing my eyes I heard Bo talking to me but his voice was so far away. It was like I was drifting farther and farther away. Was this what death felt like? Nothing but coldness, his voice was so far away I wasn't sure if I understood him. He said something about getting his dad. God, I hope not.

When I came around again my mouth was really dry and my body was really stiff. I was the same way I feel asleep on my back. Looking around I finally came face to face with Power. He had his arms crossed over his chest, he did not look happy. "Are you on drugs Catalina?"

I was taken back by his question, why would he asked this.

"What are you talking about?"

"Coming home late, throwing up late at night, and slurring your goddamn words. You were fucking high as fuck last night." He hissed glaring down at me and just like that, I lost all trust in him.

Everything we built just came crashing down, looking at him now all I saw was a monster. He was just another Tim. Standing over the bed telling me some shit. I got out of bed ignoring the dizziness, grabbing my bags I turned to him. "You just lost all my trust. I draw the line at being called a druggy! Did it ever occur to you that Sammy, who is my best friend, still has some of my sleeping pills from way back when." He began to blur as I looked at him. "I used to go crying to her house and couldn't sleep so we stashed some of them with her. I had an attack last night and she helped me, you're just another Tim."