If I Lose Myself

Catalina

We have been sitting outside my mom's house for about thirty minutes. Her car was in the driveway so I knew she was home. My fingers tapped on the stirring wheel, I was scared to face my mom again. After all, I told her that her husband had been abusing me. "You know we can just go." I looked, Titus, as he talked. "I don't know what you're trying to prove. But, sometimes some things are better left untouched."

"This is something I have to do, Titus. I need the closure."

"You know, Cam and I haven't had it easy as well. Mom and dad are doped out on drugs, so when I was old enough I join the club. Then took Cam under my wing."

"I'm sorry you went through that, I couldn't imagine what it was like."

"It wasn't all that bad, just had drug out people over all the time...okay, maybe some drug dealers." I looked at him and he was smiling. "I'm playing, don't looked so scared."

"That's not funny," I whispered.

"Is this about Tim." My head snapped to him I wasn't ready for that one. "I held you when you cried remember." Right, I said his name before I kicked him out the car.

"Sorry about that by the way. It's just when men come at me like you did or in other ways I panic."

"You don't need to be sorry it was my fault for coming at you like that."

"But you're right this is about Tim," I whispered looking back at the house. "He umm..." I started and shook my head.

"Another time, kid." I looked over at him confused. "You can tell me when you're ready, but, for now, go get your closure."

He was right I've been sitting here for far too long, taking my seat belt off I opened the door. Giving Titus a small smile, I got out closing the door behind me. Slowly walking up to the door of my old house it seems different like it almost had a dark feeling to it. It was so heavy that it almost had me turn around and get back in the car. Opening the door I flinched back at the smell that hit me.

What the Fuck?

Smelling the air again I realized that it was weed. Since when did my mom smoke weed? Was it even her, looking over at the car Titus had gotten out the car and was leaning on the driver's side door. Watching me. Looking back inside I stepped in closing the door behind me. Slowly walking in the house I poked my head into the living room to find it a mess. A sound came from the kitchen so I walked that way.

When I rounded the corner I was taken back on how much my mom looked a mess. "Mom?"

"I was wondering when you were going show up again." She turned to look at me making me take a step back.

My mom didn't look like my mom. Her hair was everywhere, make-up was smudged over her face and her eyes were bloodshot. "Mom what happened to you?"

She picked up the bottle of what looked like Jake Daniels and chugged it down. "You is what happened to me, you just couldn't be a good little bitch and let Tim have you."

"You knew." My heart started to beat fast in my chest as I stared at my mom. She fucking knew this whole time! "You let him do that shit to me? I am your fucking daughter!"

"One I didn't want." A sob left me when I heard those words.

"If you didn't want me, why did you give me to dad?"

"Because your father is a deadbeat biker with nothing to show for." She took another drink from the bottle. "As long as the money keep coming, I told Tim he could do what he wanted with you." Once again she took another swig. "But you had to go crawling to your daddy, crying like a little bitch that you are."