♥ Mattheo Riddle *•°One Shots & Imagines°•* ♥

A letter to be never sent

Hey Mattheo.
I know this letter will not find you and I know you probably don’t even have any sorts of feelings for me. But I need you to know. They way my eyes fell on you as the rain fell on your perfect face and as you blinked those water droplets on you eyelashes away, everything felt certain to me to the point it did not. I had discovered something I had not since a very long time, love. As cliché as it sounds but I still think the rain was brought down for me, for acceptance of my feelings and for knowing, maybe it was not hate, but love. As I came the next day, I knew I still needed time to figure out how I am going to take this, knowing how you wont even speak to me irl, maybe if I tried that is. So, I took some guts and texted you. Yeah, and you texted immediately. I was so broken, the uncertainty of hormones had occupied me and now that I fell in love with you, I knew I had to make you want me, even if it was not the real me. I tried so hard, till a point even you were annoyed, but I was just broken. I tried to make the pain seem nothing and I tried so hard to usher into another phase, but letting my insecurities go was not easy. I started self-harming, and  I know putting it any other way wont change its meaning. I self-harmed because of you and your super beautiful self. I went home, I tried to make our conversations longer, and us stronger, but I knew we were not even friends yet. This as I remember was the beginning of a journey that had no end. We talked for hours, every midnight and I used to cherish every message, every gif and every moment, knowing it would soon be morning and we would see each other as we were nothing but mere classmates. I should have stopped then, but love is a leap of faith, you just have to trust and hope there is someone to catch you at the end of it. This continued for months and I could see we were beginning to reach the friendship stage. Our classroom moments were not that terrible anymore, we would at least have a few small talks here and then, but the most of it comprised upon was the eye contacts we had. I still do not know if you were playing with me, or you actually felt the sparks I did, because every eye contact of a few seconds we had, were like hours for me. My stomach flipped and the butterflies ushered in like the rain that day. My heart melted at every time our brown eyes met into stare and yet, our lips never moved to share those moments. I wished we never had those frequent eye contacts, because they were what hooked me up for going on to the path of love, the path of hurt and the path of unsure decisions. Soon our texts turned more vulnerable and soon our good night turned into, take cares. I let myself believe you had feelings for me, even though I deep down knew, you were toying with me. My love for you had grown to a point I knew I had to confess. The words finally were sent through text and as you typed, I knew I made a mistake and I was right because as you sent texts stating how you did not trust me or my feelings, all I could do was clung onto the hope, the endless loop of wanting something even though you would never get it. There were days we would argue, there were days where we would have priceless conversations of love, or mere fun to you. As much as toxicity filled my heart, I did not want this to end. I knew you were not ready for a relationship; I knew you the way you texted me was the same way you texted many, but I still lived in the façade of loving you which was built with nothing but manipulations and lies.
I really tried, to not let you go. But as a month had passed and all I was looking forward to was seeing your face, I saw how you did not even acknowledge me and moved to sit with her, hug her even though you were just flirting with her. That was the moment I knew, the rain of butterflies had to stop, the melting of my heart had to freeze and the eyes that yearned for your appearance had to forget your worth. As I sat in the bus, knowing what I was about to do that day, I could not help but laugh at my stupidity. What was I thinking to hope you would like me? And what was I thinking to like you in the first place? As I picked my phone at home, my eyes could not help but tear up as I clicked the block button. Some things, no matter how much they hurt you must be done. I knew I was selfish, but I needed this, whatever this closure stage was. Everyday I woke up, getting excited to see you, then I laughed to myself remembering it was just another day of ignoring you. As effortless I tried to make it, it was one of the toughest things I had done. As I saw how beautiful you looked as you wrote in you notebook, and all I wanted to do was call your name out, but the pain was too much to let in again. Slowly the things turned easier and the pain faded into nothing. My eyes did not yearn to see you anymore and I know I was finally moving on, until I saw you trying to talk to me, and all the memories, all the hooks I had to untie flourished back in my mind like a river through the dams. I knew, all my tryings were nothing but a mere cover which could easily blow away any moment. And that’s when I knew I needed closure and tell you why I had blocked you. As the tears fell on my already damp cheeks, I sent the message knowing you probably wont even see it. But as you replied in a few seconds with a ohhh okay nice, I knew what we had was long gone. As I blocked you again, I could not help but smile, as I closed my phone, knowing I just flipped the last page of our book. No more did the eye contacts haunt me, and no longer did your presence warm me. But I still cannot help but get reminders of you as the rain pours down on earth, and as much as I thought I would not want this to happen, I can’t help but smile and relies, it was just a phase, a phase I needed to move on from. We were nothing but loose ropes, which had no ties and no ends, but as I sit here and write this, I can’t help but want to relive those lively moments, and not just for the sake of closure, but because no matter how painful love is, you can’t lie that those are the moments where you feel the most lively, as if life itself gets better. And as I lie down on my bed every night about to sleep, I cant help but flip pages of us, our memories,  knowing that it was just a novel where there was a foolish and annoying protagonist hopelessly in love with a broken boy who was too toxic for her.

Yours,
Y/n

A/n: this had been in my drafts for weeks but I think this is way to relatable to not put out there. I cried while writing this knowing most of it was smt I myself felt so yeah.
Hope you guys have a great day