Fidelity

35th

Ang Simula

"Ayos ka lang?"

Naputol ang pagtitig ko sa kawalan. A trace of concern passed through Davion's eye as he gazed at me.

"Kanina ka pa tulala.." kumento niya. "You've been quiet since I got back. May problema ba?"

Oras na ang nakalipas matapos ang usapan namin ni Calcifer sa kusina. In fact, the three of us are already in the living room while they play Switch. Nandito rin si Aki na kasama na ni Davion nang bumalik mula kina Einj.

"No, no..." agap ko nang mabalik sa ulirat. "I'm fine.."

Tumagal pa ang tingin sakin ni Davion.

"Man, what the hell?" kung hindi pa dumagundong ang tinig ni Cal sa pagkamatay ng character ni Davion sa video game ay hindi mababalik doon ang atensyon ng huli. They were playing as a team.

Davion returned his gaze on the screen. Saglit pang binitawan ng isang kamay niya ang joystick para abutin ang palad ko at ilapag sa hita niya bago tumuon sa laro.

The volume of the TV was high and Calcifer was just as loud, but my mind was elsewhere.

Kanina pa tila may malaking butas sa tyan ko. A hollow space that's making me feel cold from within. Pakiramdam ko'y nasa ibang dimensyon ako. I feel lightheaded and dizzy. It's... weird and foreign to me.

Hindi ko maipaliwanag. Ang alam ko lang ay nanlalamig ang kalooban ko. Para kong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig sa natuklasan mula kay Calcifer kanina.

All my life, I thought I knew Davion so well. Akala ko'y kilalang-kilala ko na sya. Na kabisado ko na siya. Na wala na kong hindi alam tungkol sa kanya. So discovering something as huge as that is like a big slap on my face. Isang malakas na sampal. Iyong nag-iiwan ng bakas at pamamanhid. The one that leaves you frozen and still, unable to react.

Davion Christoffer:
just working on a paper rn baby msg ka lang po anytime or if u wanna facetime

Napabuntong hininga ako nang muling silipin ang preview ng mensahe ni Davion. Apat na oras na ata ang nakalipas ng ipadala niya ito. Hindi na rin ako nagmadaling magreply kanina dahil gaya ng sabi niya ay may ginagawa naman siya.

Strangely, I'm rather grateful that I have an excuse not to talk to him that much. Mula kasi noong nalaman ko ang tungkol sa history nila ni Adea ay hindi ko maiwasang maging mailap. Madalas ay matagal bago ko masagot ang mga text at tawag niya nitong mga nakaraan. Palaging mababa ang energy ko o di kaya'y walang gana. Mahigit isang linggo na rin akong ganito.

Solasta Aicelle:
okayy take ur time

Iyon ang ipinadala kong mensahe nang sa wakas ay maipon na ang lakas para magreply. It's not like I can avoid his texts the whole day, anyway. I'd still have to response. Pinili ko na lang ang oras na hindi siya online para hindi rin sya agad makapagreply at nang sa gayon ay hindi maging big deal kung ganoon din ako.

Kaya naman laking gulat ko nang makitang typing siya ilang segundo matapos kong pindutin ang send button. Nanlaki ang mata ko. Halos mapatalon pa ko sa notification sound ng panibagong mensahe mula sa kanya.

Davion Christoffer:
are we ok?

A part of me sank at his message. Ilang sandali akong napatitig doon. Napalunok ako.

Normally, I'd straight out ask him why, if I receive a message like this. Kung ibang pagkakataon ito ay tiyak na iyon agad ang isasagot ko sa kanya. Ngunit iba ngayon. Malaking bahagi sakin ay ayaw nang pahabain ang usapan dahil natatakot ako na baka kung saan pa humantong ito.

Solasta Aicelle:
of course we are okay

I bit my lip and added more letters in the end before sending it just so I wouldn't sound cold.

Solasta Aicelle:
of course we are okayyy

I watched the typing dots from his end on the screen. Nawala iyon bago muling lumitaw at nawala ulit.

A reaction on the message I sent then appeared. Napaawang ang labi ko. It was that sad pleading face.

Tila nanghina ako sa nireact niya sa naturang chat. Akala ko'y may sasabihin pa siya ngunit hindi na siya muling nagtipa. I found myself typing instead.

Solasta Aicelle:
whyyy

I'm trying to act as normal as possible. I just don't want him to think that there's something wrong. Hindi ko rin maintindihan ang sarili pero basta ay ayokong isipin niyang may problema. I couldn't even justify the way I'm feeling myself so there's no need to raise it. Pakiramdam ko'y wala sa lugar ang nararamdaman ko at nagiging immature lang ako. Lalo na kung palalakihin ko pa.

Davion Christoffer:
u haven't been calling me by any of the pet names u have for me :( galit ka ba sakin? did I do something wrong? is this because I slept early the other day? o dahil sumama ko mag-inom kila ned last week? im sorry akala ko ayos lang nung tinanong kita

Davion Christoffer:
:(

I felt a pinch inside my chest. This is awful. Paano ko nakakayang gawin to sa kanya? Ni hindi ko man lang naisip ang nararamdaman niya. My subtle detachment had caused him to overthink! He's suffering just as much as I do the past few days!

Solasta Aicelle:
No no no baby im sorry

Solasta Aicelle:
Everything's fine

Solasta Aicelle:
I'm just tired

Solasta Aicelle:
The application process has been keeping me busy lately

Solasta Aicelle:
But we're fine

A lump gradually formed in my throat in every word I sent. The way Davion just let himself be vulnerable in that last message flickered something in me. It made me soft and at the same time, strong. Para akong natauhan. This man is going the extra mile just to make things work. While I'm here being so pathetic, creating problems of my own.

Davion Christoffer:
sure?

Natigilan ako.

In life, there are so many things that are easier said than done. Gaya na lang ng pangakong maging tapat at bukas sa relasyon. It's so easy to say that you'll always be open and communicate every little thing that's been bothering you. But in reality, it's hard to live up to that.

At some point in your relationship, you encounter truths that you'd rather not know. Those that make you wonder if things would have been better if you just didn't find out about it all.

Maraming bagay ang mas gugustuhin mong palipasin kaysa sambitin. May mga damdaming mas pipiliin mong tiisin kaysa aminin. All because you believe that's for the best.

Solasta Aicelle:
Yes. Sure

Nakapagdesisyon na ko. This foreign feeling that suffocates and chains my chest is something I'd get through alone. I'll deal with my own issues and make sure to bury it in the depths of the pit. I refuse to let Davion see me irrationally upset over something so trivial. I'll be sensible enough to not make a big deal out of this. Hindi ko hahayaang masira nito ang namamagitan sa amin.

Davion Christoffer:
:)

Davion Christoffer:
I love you