Fidelity

38th

Genius

Hindi naman ako tanga. I knew something was off. It seems like something was wrong. But I couldn't bring myself to ask. Ayokong pakinggan ang mga boses sa utak ko. I wanna give him the benefit of the doubt.

"U-uy! Hi, Sol..." tensyonadong bati sakin ni Ned, kaibigan ni Davion sa grad school. Tila hindi inaasahan ang muling pagbisita ko.

Kakatapos lang ng klase nila at marami ang narito pa sa classroom. Sa sobrang bihira ng paglabas namin ni Davion ay hindi ko maiwasang dalasan naman ang pagbisita sa kanya sa grad school. Although we rarely go out on a date these days, we get to be together when I visit him. Hinahatid niya ako palagi at sinasamahan tuwing may lakad pa ako. Tinulungan niya rin akong mag-ayos ng schedule noong mag-enroll ako for local fashion course sa Benilde. My parents were lenient enough to spare me one final chance.

"Si Davion?" tanong ko nang bag lamang ang nakita ko sa upuan nito. He's nowhere to be found inside the room.

Hindi nakasagot si Ned. It was Marvin who gave me an answer.

"Nag-CR ata.." iwas niya ng tingin.

Hindi ako sanay na hindi sila nakikipagbiruan. Tanda ko pa nung una kung gaano sila kakwela tuwing sinasama ko ni Davion sa groupworks nila. They used to be so fond of me. Ngayon ay tila parehong mailap at umiiwas.

Sa sumunod na dalawang linggo ay bilang na bilang na lang sa daliri ang naging pagkikita namin ni Davion. It was during the last week of semester when I started hearing rumors about him being with other girls.

Parang dinudurog ang puso ko pero ayokong paniwalaan. Paulit-ulit kong sinasabi sa sarili na chismis lang iyon at maaaring gawa-gawa lamang. Kalaunan ay huhupa rin at mamamatay. Yun ang gusto kong paniwalaan.

Ngunit imbes na humupa ay mas lalo lang lumala ang usap-usapan. Even on social media, I started to notice subtle interactions that causes a pinch inside my chest.

Ilang beses akong nagtangkang i-bring up iyon kay Davion thru text, but I always end up deleting what I came up with. Mas lalong hindi ko naman kaya nang personal. I hate confrontations. I realized that I hate getting myself out there, bare. Exposed with my weakness and insecurities. I hate revealing my vulnerabilities coz I'm afraid it'll be used against me.

Natatakot akong malaman ng iba ang kahinaan ko. That I'm not as proud and self-assured as I pretend to be. Na nakakaramdam din ako ng inggit, selos, at pagdududa.

Davion Christoffer:
S, I don't think I can go with you later. Tinext ko na si Kuya Tolits para ihatid ka. I'll call you later, okay?

Maging ang paraan ng pagtetext niya ay hindi ko maiwasang bigyan ng kulay. I feel like I know him too well to know when his typings are normal and when it's not. When he's acting normal and when he's trying too hard to make it seem like he is.

Solasta Aicelle:
Why? What's up?

I'm surprised I was even able to send that. Pakiramdam ko'y mababaliw na ko sa lahat ng iniisip ko. When Davion didn't reply after an hour, I feel like that was the last straw.

Hindi ko na napigilan na sadyain siya nang walang pasabi. Kakatapos lang ng klase niya at sa mga oras na ito ay maaaring nasa campus pa siya. On normal days, he usually hangout with Ned and the others after class. Kung wala na siya sa school ay saka ko susubukang dumiretso sa Calle Nueva.

"Ex ni Davion?"

"Huyyy!!"

I tried to block out all the noise around while I was walking through the building for graduate students. Sa makailang beses kong pag-akyat sa hagdan dito ay ito na ata ang pinakamabigat sa pakiramdam.