My Destiny

~ VII ~

My anger was on high alert today. More than before. I am irritated by everything, and my frustration keeps rising to new levels.

I am angry about everything. And I hated that.

I hate the way I can't control how I'm feeling. I hate even more that I don't know why I feel them. My mood swings are like a delicious box of candy. You never know if you're going to get the good me, the rude me, the party, or the depressed one.

It's a fucking nightmare. Not just for me, but for all the people I victimize because I can't control my attitude or my mouth. The words just flow sometimes and I can't stop them. I don't even know I'm saying them until they spill out. Sometimes, it good things like honesty; brutal honesty that nobody else has the guts to say. Sometimes it's rude, sometimes it doesn't make sense. I can sound crazy, psycho, or even mentally ill.

I'm not good with giving advice either or confrontation. I can barely hold a conversation when I'm in one of these moods. Then there's time where I stutter to speak. Or I can't speak at all. I go quiet. I get distant. I get in my own dark world. The war zone in my head gets so loud sometimes that I can't focus on anything else. I can't function properly. I can't eat or drink. I can't do anything.  My whole body shuts down because of the exhaustion from the voices, the overthinking, the self destruction, - it's suicide. Its literally fucking suicide. 

And that I think, is the saddest part. That I almost did it a few times.

But, as I stood on the top of the roof of the Hilton looking over the city, I started to feel guilty for the damage I'd do to a person if they found me. Splattered wherever I landed. Or wherever I overdose at. Or however I die but, I didn't want to be the cause of ruining someone's life because I wasn't strong enough.

How does life get so terrible that you have to fight for your life everyday against yourself?

It wasn't like I just woke up one day and became this emotional wreck. My brain is damaged. It's foggy and with the trauma I've put myself through, my brain rewired itself into a fucked up setting.

Prince fucked me for two hours in the hot tub, whispering praises in my ear as his hands touched every part of my body. I fell asleep in his arms, but I woke up with a note. 'See you soon, sweetheart', was all it said and it pissed me off. I don't know why I expected more. Prince could have woken me to tell me he was leaving. It made me anger than I thought it would.

I tried to forget it, pushing myself harder in training. Learning how to complete missions, how to kill someone, how to hack into a security system..I learned it all, very quickly. Royal and I spent sixteen hours a day in the basement. I've learned how to shoot a gun which came almost natural for me. It was easy learning when I had a target in my head.

I haven't smoked as much as I usually do, either. I went from an ounce a week to half that because I smoke before training and a few blunts afterwards until I pass out from exhaustion.

I think back to the first time I ever smoked weed. For the first time in my life - it all vanished. It all went quiet. I panicked the first time I realized that I didn't hear a single sound in ten minutes. At first, I thought I was dying because how silent it became but when the high went away, the noises came back.

So in a way, MaryJane saved me.

I was able to find temporary peace.

I know it's only temporary but, it's worth the few moments of silence.

The anger built as the days passed by without even a phone call from Prince. And as the days turned into five weeks, the pain turned into numbness.

But no high can save me from myself today. The only target I see is the reflection of me. I gave in and fell victim to my bad habits.

I toss my cigarette out the window before taking another hit off my blunt and putting it out as we pull into Sophie's.  Royal wanted to take me out tonight because I've been training so hard. She told me everyday how fast I was learning and how great I was becoming. I shocked her. Brixton and Avery stayed with me while Prince left taking Mitchel and Benji with him. Brixton and Avery became involved in our training seeing how far they could push me before I broke. But, I never did. I endured everything they threw my way. Even when Brixton cut my stomach during a fight, scaring my stomach. Brixton apologized forever, but the scar didn't make much of a difference with my stretch marks already scaring my skin.

Royal and I spent all afternoon at the mall. Seeing the happiness in Royals' eyes, I couldn't tell her no when she asked to go to the salon. Under the stress of not wanting to upset her especially after she got into that fight with her boyfriend, I agreed to get my lashes, eyebrows, and nails done with her. It was a tough but a rewarding situation. It looks better than I thought. I didn't get my nails long and it will take some getting used to but it looks better than my chewed ones.

I traded in my usual hoodie with either shorts or leggings attire for a white mini dress and white wedge heels. I went back and forth between the black and white dress but the boys and Royal helped me choose the white one and I'm thankful I did. The dress is very short, barely halfway up my thighs and the sleeves are long with little bows by the wrist. It's skin-tight and shows off my body perfectly even the jelly rolls I have when I sit down but I look cute.

"You don't have to bring in your card. Wyatt is going to pay for his wife." Royal chuckles nonchalantly.

"I didn't know he was back." I snap my head toward her, my heart racing in my ears.

Royal cusses under her breath as her face falls. "Shit, Layla. I'm so sorry. Prince wanted it to be a surprise."

I shake my head. My emotions are mixed and pulling in different directions making me feel tired. I fake a smile, brushing it off. "Why do you call him Wyatt?"

Royal smiles. "You're the only one who calls him, Prince. He prefers it that way. Do you not want to go inside?"

I shrug, shaking my head no, but stopping midway. "He hasn't called me once, Royal. Not even a text message asking how I'm doing. I can't go in there without wanting to punch him in the face."

"Do it!" Royal encourages. "Punch him and tell him he's an asshole. I can't believe he hasn't reached out. That's bullshit,"

I smirk at her reaction. "Is Arlo here?"

Royal face drops into anger as she narrows her eyes at me. "Now I don't want to go in there. I know he's in there. I invited him."

I chuckle, shaking my head. "We can just sit by each other. Order tons of appetizers and a drink, and ignore them until they figure out what they did wrong."

"I fucking love you. I'm so glad my brother married you. You're the sister I always wanted, but instead God gave me two annoying brothers." Royal rolls her eyes as she laces her arm through mine as we walk into the restaurant.

"That's so nice!" I smile as I see a giant fish tank in the middle of the room. It's dark, highlighting the place. A giant Chandelier hangs in the middle of the lobby with piano music in the background.

"Mrs, and Ms, Moretti, this way." The waitress leads the way to our table. My face drops and I take a deep breath as my eyes find his dark blue-greys so easily. Prince was watching the entrance waiting on me. My eyes linger on Prince's tall form as he takes a drink of his scotch. His skin is radiating from his all-black suit. His gold chain is around his black shirt giving his tanned complexion a shine. Prince looks tired and worn out. He has a fresh bruise on his cheek and a cut on his neck. I couldn't help but think about the damage on the other guy.

His face drops the pissed-off expression as he looks me, a smile rising on the corner of his lips. My anger dissolves from his smile, melting me into submission.

Fuck, I hated this too.