Thaddeus

Chapter 30

Okay, I have to say that before you read this chapter, you MUST read the last couple chapters of Ferret's book first. You just have to, something very very important happened and this chapter is just to show Thaddeus's reaction to it.
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Ashur. Ashur was all Thaddeus could think about in this moment, he felt his stomach tighten again, his breathing becoming heavier as he himself attempted to reel from what happened. Ashur had just played witness to Alastor's death, and this was also something majorly weighing on Thaddeus's mind.

He knew he shouldn't have felt bad for it, or at least, that's how he thought he should feel, but Ashur was right in the end. Alastor had begged for mercy, begged for his life, and Thaddeus still ripped it away from him like it was nothing, simply dropping him into the cold waters below the pier.

What ate at him the most was the fact that Thaddeus, for a moment, felt good about killing Alastor. It was such an accomplishment for those few seconds, feeling like a small weight had been lifted off of him before another heavier one slammed back down.

"He thinks you're a monster now, he's finally seeing you for what you are, a cold hearted killer who enjoys the bloodlust."

Thaddeus shook his head a little as he ran a hand through his hair, pacing a short distance up and down the pier.

"I shouldn't have to feel bad for killing Alastor! He- he helped ruin my life! Why the fuck should I feel bad!? How is this my fault!?" He yelled out into the brisk air, of course, speaking to no one other than himself. He kept switching his gaze between the water and the parking lot, his emotions at an all time high, he barely even knew how to describe how badly all of this weighed on him, like maybe he could be sucked into the ground if just the weight of a pebble were added onto his shoulder.

Immediately, his own mind, or more accurately, his consciousness had a response for that.

"He begged! He begged for his goddamn life! Ashur was right, you didn't have to kill him! He died at your hands, his blood is on you. Fuck however he ruined your life, it doesn't matter, you still killed a man who wasn't going to fight back!"

Thaddeus pulled at the front of his hair as he shook his head, muttering. He couldn't allow himself to sink deeper into the guilt, not now. Ashur took priority, Ashur always took priority. So, with his spiraling mind and emotions spinning out of control, he sprinted away from the pier and toward the parking lot.

Soon, he reached the truck and hopped into the driver's seat, fumbling for the keys in his pocket. Thaddeus knew Ashur couldn't have gotten far, the younger boy had run off only a couple minutes ago. After turning the car on, Thaddeus slammed on the gas and pulled out onto the road, searching the sidewalks to see if he could spot anyone running.

"You did this, you caused all this, why are you even wasting your time trying to find him? He isn't going to want to talk to you, maybe not even ever again!"

Thaddeus pounded the wheel suddenly, his whole body practically vibrating by this point. He could feel his eyes sting as they began to water, all he could do was inhale a few breaths and attempt to keep whatever small part of himself that wasn't scrambling calm.

Truthfully, Thaddeus wasn't even paying attention to where he was driving, all he could do was replay the moment he had Alastor's life in his hands, how Alastor had begged and been so desperate to not die. For a brief minute in all of it, Thaddeus had honestly enjoyed seeing the fear in Alastor's eyes in that moment, he enjoyed dropping Alastor off the side of the pier, watching him go under the water.

Then, he'd come to his senses and wanted to hate himself even more. Sure, Thaddeus hated Alastor almost more than anything, but it felt so monstrous to actually enjoy killing someone, even if it was Alastor. It shook Thaddeus to his core, the thought of ever genuinely enjoying murder.

Instinctively, or perhaps subconsciously, Thaddeus eventually figured out where he'd driven to during his spiral. His entire body still trembled as he looked up at Kali's apartment complex. He could feel his eyes tearing up once more as he thought about Kali, it hadn't occurred to him how she could feel about all this, but just the thought of Kali despising him made Thaddeus sink even further.

Still though, he needed help finding Ashur, as that was the only thing keeping him from utter mental collapse. And so, still trembling and with his mind racing in all directions, he got out of the car and rushed up to Kali's door, his eyes refusing to stay dry.

He shakily knocked on the door as he wiped a tear off his cheek, though more kept coming whether or not he wanted it to, he almost didn't even notice anyway.

As he waited for the door to open, all Thaddeus, in the current moment, could think about was Alastor. Thaddeus hated Alastor with everything in him, and he still did, he'd even dreamed of being able to take Alastor's life at some point, but actually pulling it off was a completely different ball game. And it sent his emotions flying.

Now Thaddeus found himself completely crying when the door opened and there stood Kali, who'd originally looked a bit put off, but her eyes widened when she saw Thaddeus like this.

As Kali's expression softened, she spoke quietly, trying to be firm though she couldn't hide her surprise. "What happened?"

Thaddeus opened his mouth to say something, but no sound came out. He looked down at the ground for a moment, tears freely streaming down his face as his breath quivered. He looked back up at Kali as his crying only got worse.

"I fucked up," Thaddeus croaked out in a sob, shaking his head a little.

Kali looked as though she expected this to happen, and it took no other words from Thaddeus to make her move forward and wrap her arms around him, pulling him into a hug.

Thaddeus was taken aback by the sudden embrace, but he soon found himself doing what he never thought he would do, he allowed himself to sink into her hold, letting himself get everything out. "I fucked up," Thaddeus repeated into Kali's shoulder while Kali cupped the back of his neck, keeping him close.

And so the two stayed like this for a good bit, with Thaddeus finally letting himself crumble. For the first time, Ashur wasn't his main priority. Now all he wanted to do was stay like this in Kali's arms for as long as she would allow it, it felt good, for once. And he didn't want to let that go.

Not yet.

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Well, here it is, I finally finished it. I really am sorry for not getting this out sooner, I in no way meant for it to have been this long before I was done, I kinda just felt too mentally tired to write it, but I do wanna get back into it a bit more, so hopefully I'll actually stick to that this time.