DIRT: the grunge diaries (𝒱𝒾𝒸𝓉𝑜𝓇𝒾𝒶'𝓈 𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓈𝒾𝑜𝓃)

entry #14 - some girls are bigger than others

⚠️ mentions of drugs ⚠️

October 3, 1992
my mind is all over the fucking place
and I can't seem to get it back!!
فيكتوريا

Today's been another chaotic day. No lessons, because I woke up too late to attend, and Chrissie had already left the place without me. I went to bed at 3am and woke up at 11, courtesy of crush who kept me up until that late into the night to tell me all sorts of stuff ... except that he wants to fuck me. Stay cryptic, stay poised, stay Sean.
When I called him after the show of last night, I didn't expect him to keep the conversation going on for hours at a time, but I won't complain. It was smooth and fun like ever, and I didn't even realise that the time was going by. Pretty sure he didn't either. I am genuinely confused, but definitely happy that he's into sharing his daily adventures on the road with me, instead of sticking it inside some other chick while he's at it. Don't get me wrong, I know he likes girls and I know he most likely ain't a saint... I have investigated enough about him, and my cousin not cousin Kim, good buddy to Sean since ever, told me that he has a knack for driving chicks insane with his ways. He is exhausting, and I know it because Chrissie can't go two hours without mentioned her Post-Sean-Stress-Disorder. He didn't play her, he just drove her insane until she dumped him... and the same fate is most likely going to await me. I know it, I am well aware of the side effects that come with hooking up with the elusive freak, but I won't desist. I will keep chasing him no matter what.

Sean is mysterious as fuck. He's outspoken and flirty, but still surrounded by an aura of mystery that makes him irresistible to me. Nobody knows about his hookups or about his flirts, in all of Seattle. Not even gossip princess, good buddy of his, Thayil. Kim told me that Sean disappears every once in a while to come back like he's been abducted and brainwashed by Martians. Very elusive of him, I ain't surprised... he's the same guy who does Fentanyl in toilet stalls instead of getting his cock sucked. This doesn't mean that he doesn't stick it around, it doesn't mean that he keeps it in his pants like he's a prude, it means that he's very good at keeping his stuff private. And I like this about him, but I sometimes just wish that there was more sauce about him around. So that I'd know what to expect, besides a migraine, drunk fights and sheer exhaustion from him.

I don't know what's going with him, like at all... except that he's cryptically, respectfully interested in me. He wouldn't call me every day, if he wasn't to some extent interested. I love his persistence and his little attentions towards me. He keeps asking me to join him where he is, multiple times a day. Last night he recounted me of how he was kicked out of a ladies' restroom, before the gig, because he was so high that he didn't realise it wasn't the gents'. And he had a laugh out of it, as if something as dumb as that had made his entire day. He told me that he got a little bit too intense with a guy who was sitting on top of his Kawasaki outside the venue, after the gig. He has a Kawasaki too, a Kawasaki, a Honda Four and a short temper, and it's so damn hot to me.

I found the bravado to ask him if he's fucked someone since we've last caught up, aka the only time we saw eachother ... and he told me that the last person who saw his cock was an exotic looking guy from the headlining act. He said that when my twin sister got periods and doesn't wanna peg him, said guy is his way-to-go cock warmer. And don't ask me why, but I think it was Mike he was talking about. Not Mike with the STD, his bandmate and very horny fellow, although he looks a bit exotic... but my Mike. The one I called while I was making my lunch before leaving for another one of my movies, to thank him for the flowers he's bought me. And it felt so cringe in and through. Mike filled my ears with sweet nothings and a bunch of smooth talking for a solid half an hour ... but all I could think about was Sean bending him over something and 'fucking' him. They're probably friends, Sean has a thing for 'fucking' his friends to gross them out, and knowing Mike ... he would have a good, heartfelt laugh out of it. Mike and Sean are friends, and they're having fun on the same tour. They're sleeping over at the same hotel and sharing the stage nearly every night. But they have the same taste in women and they're also talking to the same one, aka me. The one who's gonna head to California and enter chaos state as soon as she sees both men in front of her. I was considering staying at home, instead of road tripping with the girls... because I don't know if I can handle this situation. I want the one I can't have, the slightly more complicated, demon-like one... but I have the one I couldn't have back in the day, all wrapped around my finger. The one who wants me now. But I don't want anymore 'cause I've moved on.