DIRT: the grunge diaries (𝒱𝒾𝒸𝓉𝑜𝓇𝒾𝒶'𝓈 𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓈𝒾𝑜𝓃)

entry #166 - last second save

'Oh, Sean'. Jessica squirms, mouth agape once she's fully leaning in front of her beloved, ex boyfriend. I can tell that she's holding herself back from throwing herself at him, she's just holding his wrist and looking up to him with that sprinkle of admiring in her eyes ... and I'm silently observing them and clenching my fists, because her excitements and her physicality with my whole fucking man is pissing me off just a little bit, as it should rightfully. And yeah, at the same time I'm also trying to see where on the floor exactly I've kicked my passport, because it's shitty and we agree on that, but I'm going to need it again in the foreseeable future... and I'm also trying to keep my feathered baby tame, because he's heard papa's name entering the chat once again, and he just can't hold his excitement back anymore. He just wants daddy now, and so do I. The only thing getting in the way of our beautiful family is ...Jessica.

'Hey, Jess. Howdy?' Sean chimes in, awkward grin still on his lips, as he doesn't do anything to free himself from his ex girlfriend's hold. He just keeps standing here, grinning, and trying not to move or say anything because he knows he'd be easily misunderstood. I don't like the concept of a woman touching my man by any means, not even with a hand over his wrist, and looking at him with love in her eyes... but honestly, what a man is he? He's taking it easy on her, he's calling her by her nickname, not by her full name, he's even asking her how she's doing... and he's in and out acting like I generally do when I'm in presence of either one of my exes. With coldness, but in a quite respectful and civilised manner. Slay Sean. You're handling this much better than I thought you would've.

I don't know if this even makes sense of me, but looking at Sean handling himself with the woman who swears to be still in love with him, acting all natural and unbothered, a little jovial too... I can't help but think that it wouldn't be that bad after all, to be his ex girlfriend. I am his whole girlfriend now, I'm immensely grateful for that, and I hope to be that for a long time... but if one day we were to split out and randomly meet on the breakfast room of a hotel post breakup, I could still count on him to call me by my nickname and ask me how I'm doing. I'm just wondering what the nickname in question would be ... Jennifer ? Or Cherry ? I'd take both, for as long as he'd still judge me worthy of a basic greeting.

'I'm doing a hundred times better now. I missed you so much, but...'. Jessica tries to say something, but before she can finish her sentence and say what I think would've been 'now that I'm seeing you, I'm healed for life'... Sean kindly removes her hand from around his wrist, and leaves her mouth agape because she wasn't expecting him to act so unbothered about her heartfelt love declaration. She slips back on her seat, right in front of me... and she frowns a little, when she sees the man she's still in love with motioning me to stand up from my seat, and sit on his thigh instead. I bite the inside of my cheek, because the temptation to let Sean have my seat and sit on his thigh like we always do is sooo strong ... but somehow, I manage to swallow it down, and I just roll my eyes back almost like I'm annoyed by his attentions. À la 'who the fuck are you and what d'ya want from me? You think that only because we briefly spoke in the hotel hall and you told me you're gay, I'm gonna sit on your lap?'

I deserve a fucking Oscar for best actress for the nerve that I'm showing to have, that's for sure. I'm falling apart, and my beautiful, nose pierced hunk is nonchalantly giving me attentions in front of a woman he knows to be still in love with him. He ain't afraid of telling the truth as it is to her, but I am. She's so sweet, twiddling her thumbs and trying to convince herself that Sean is just clowning... and I'm so smart, for so effortlessly pulling my best acting performance ever for the sake of not breaking her heart. Despite Sean's obvious attentions towards me, she thinks that I'm annoyed for real, with all my looking at him and pretending I don't know him, and with all of his looking back at me like he doesn't know why I'm rejecting his avances. This is confusion at its finest here, and nothing good is going to come out of it, I just know it. But let me do my own thing and see where it gets us? Sean is smart, he will understand what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, and he'll surely back me up in this no matter what. At the end of the day, as long as there's to clown and to deceive, I know I can always trust him. Jessica is slightly less smart than us, and that's the reason why she's looking at us and thinking that this thing, whatever it even is, is nothing too out of the ordinary. Just a case of me being confusional, and Sean being ambiguous. We're just being ourselves, Jessica. I promise we ain't dry fruiting... I mean, dating. Put your broken heart to rest and find yourself a new hobby for the rest of the day. Just let my man and I be.