DIRT: the grunge diaries (𝒱𝒾𝒸𝓉𝑜𝓇𝒾𝒶'𝓈 𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓈𝒾𝑜𝓃)

entry #174 - where have the good times gone?

⚠️ this chapter was very hard to write for me, and I don't condone any of the behaviour described in it. I'm not publishing this one to cast a bad light on any of the characters mentioned. I'm just describing the reality of handling someone who struggles with substance abuse, hard and painful as it is. Having said that, I'm sure that none of the events depicted here ever happened in real life. Peace and love 💓. ⚠️

فيزا

'Love! Sorry, I was about to shower, and...'. I break the ice, when I realise that he ain't gonna do much else than just stare at me, and silently, yet inquisitively ask me why I've tried to keep him at the door instead of letting him in as soon as he signalled his presence. Well, keeping him at the door was never my intention, I was in the restroom, about to run myself a bath, the tub is still full of boiling hot water as we exchange dog stares, and I rushed my way to the door as soon as I heard him hammer his fists against it and curse the whole cursebook out loud. It took me about ten seconds to pull the door handle to let him in... then why the heck is he so angry? Is he angry at me, or at life in general ? And if he was so eager to get inside, then why ain't he getting the fuck inside, now that the door is wide open in front of him? Is this one of Sean's pranks, or what else? I just can't understand.

I'm here, wearing nothing but a towel around my bust, being all apologetical and stuff, my bath water is running cold in the other room, and he's just leaning against the door and keeping his fists clenched, looking like he's about to either explode, or fucking hit me, or fucking destroy the hotel room. What else should I do, after I told him that I didn't open the door straight away because I was in the other room, and it didn't calm him down a little ? I ain't even lying here, the fact that I'm basically naked in front of his bloodshot eyes should be the proof of my benevolence, but he ain't having any of it. Help me. I can't drag him to the bathroom and show him that I was really about to run myself a bath, he wouldn't let me tell him what to do... and how do I know it? From the way I'm trying to hug him, and all he's doing is freezing himself on the spot, more or less like he doesn't want to be anywhere close to me.

I'm confused by his attitude to say the least. He was knocking and cursing like a madman because he wanted to be let in, but now he's stalling under the door instead of getting in. He's my boyfriend, we've been all over one another all day long, we had plans to end up all over one another until falling asleep in the end, and he's the last person I was expecting to make me feel unwanted. How many drinks were involved in this wicked mood swing? And why am I having to take one for all the crap he's had the audacity to drink? Why can't I leave him alone for two hours, that he gets shitfaced to the point I just can't tolerate him anymore, nor recognise him ?

'Ok. Where is he?' He growls, and before I can even wonder what the heck or who the heck he's talking about, he's thrusting himself into the room, roughly so, and pushing me off his way like I'm just a hurdle between him and a truth he's trying to find. He's asking me where's 'he', I don't know who's he, I don't know why he's so angry and touching me like he's got no respect for me, but still, I let him do his thing, and I keep his fingers crossed that when his drunken mind realises I'm alone here, he will calm down. For his own good, but for mine too, because all of my limbs are shaking frantically, and there's nothing I can do to make it any less obvious.

'Where is... who?' I somehow manage to find the bravado to ask, my voice shaking and mirroring the shaking of my limbs. I sit on the edge of the bed with my legs crossed, as he looks at me with half a grin on his face, and begins to look for something behind the curtains. He doesn't find a thing, a person, a roach, anything, and just keeps grinning from ear to ear, almost like he's accomplished and at semi peace with himself for that. I don't know what's going on with him, but now, I'm starting to get the feeling that he's just pranking me. He's laughing, or at least so I think... come on, it can't be that bad. I just have to be patient, observant and on the joke, whatever kinda joke it is, and my man will be legit again. I just know it. Cooking time? Knowing Sean, estimated five minutes.