The Infinite White

Chapter 41 - Decisions

We didn't know if Luna would survive, she had been down for two days, her body was bruised and scarred, you could see the pain on her face as her body was trying to heal itself but none of us knew if she was strong enough to survive it, especially with her mate being taken away from her. 

I woke up a few hours after the meet-up, I couldn't look at anybody, or talk to them, the shame to took control and it was stronger than anything I had ever felt, he was stronger than me, I couldn't defend myself, let alone the pack, or all packs, I was a joke, a failure and I couldn't do anything about it. Holden retreated even further away, spending every spare moment by his mother's side, knowing she was the killer pained him more than when the killer was his father, part of me hoped his mother wouldn't survive, because if she did, we would have war regardless of her failings, he wouldn't send his mother to her death. There was no putting us back together. Holden would choose his mother over the survival of the pack, and I would choose the pack over him, he wasn't fulfilling his Alpha duties by worrying about his mother, or preparing for war, nobody had heard from the former Alpha or the Demon wolf since the incident, we were on borrowed time. 

I sat in the corner of my room, head against the wall and knees tucked to my chest, it was night now, the moons light filtered through my blinds, I don't remember when I last moved but my butt had gone numb and my knees ached but I still couldn't bring myself to move, until my phone started vibrating beside me, I rolled my head so I could look down at it to see Taylor calling for the hundredth time. I didn't know why he was trying to call me; I hadn't looked at his messages or listened to his voicemail. I hadn't planned on it this time either, but once the phone stopped ringing, he tried again, so I picked up this time, holding the phone to my ear I couldn't bring myself to say anything. 

"Lily?" all that could be heard from me was my deep breathing, as I tried to calm myself at the sound of his voice, 

"Lil" his voice softer now, as if realising the fear and pain that lied behind the silence, 
"What happened wasn't your fault, we were ambushed, we all believed it was Conrad that killed my mom, no one expected the wolf to show up and the only reason he got the upper hand was because you were shot Lily" Taylor spoke harshly through the phone, 

"You were pierced in the side by a silver tipped arrow, by one of the hunters who was aiming for the Luna, that is the only reason the Demon Wolf was able to best you" his breathing rough on the other side as I tried to collect myself, 

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself" he yelled, more than likely from the frustration of me not responding to him. "You are the Gods Damned Infinite White; you have done more for wolf and hunter relations in this short time than anyone ever has. What happened was not your fault, there are plenty of people to stick at the head of the line all of which who are more deserving of the blame than you. The packs and the hunters need you now more than ever and you are sulking and feeling sorry for yourself? You are strong Lily, stronger than anyone including yourself has yet to realise and once you do eventually realise it and stop doubting yourself that Demon Wolf won't be able to touch you, but you need to come to your senses Lily, now is not the time to hide from the world, now is the time to face it and protect those you swore to protect". It was hard to hear, hard to process. 

All I could muster was, "Ok", before I hung up the phone, utterly exhausted, he believed in me more than I did, more than I thought anyone did and if a hunter could believe in me, shouldn't I be able to believe in myself? Why have I become such a pitiful and miserable fool? Why was this instance different to any other where I had been defeated? Was it because it finally shed light on the direction Holden and I were heading? What I needed to do in order to protect everyone, I needed to break away from him, from the binds of ordinary wolves. 

You are understanding now. I heard her speak to me, when you were just Lily the constraints of the wolf world tied you down, the power of mates makes ordinary wolves powerful but you Lily are already powerful, you do not need to abide by the nature of ordinary wolves. You can let go of the mate bond if you so wish because as the Infinite White, your bonds are to the world, to wolf and human alike, you are grounded by the needs to others but also have the freedom to choose who you want to be and who you want to be your mate. Holden was the mate chosen by fate when you were simply Lily, but fates are changed and rewritten every day and you changed yours when you accepted that you are the Infinite White. 

"Is that even possible? Holden is my mate, isn't it a given that I would be tied to him forever even if the bond is rejected?" 

It is called Abjuring severing all ties to the mate bond, it is extremely rare and only wolves who have transcended their born forms and capabilities are able to declare it and if you so wish to Lily, you can too. 

"I'm not saying I will, but how?" 

It has to be a true feeling, a release that the bond cannot hold onto, stronger than the bond itself, it does not need to be accepted by the mate and they will feel it, all of it, including the lingering, pain and darkness once it is done, as you will too, living with someone else's emotions and thoughts for so long, to suddenly you're left with your own can be scary. 

"Did you have to do it?" 

It is our burden I feel, my mate was much different to yours, he was everything you could want or need, but in the end, my pack came above everything else and I found I couldn't do what needed to be done because I was constantly worrying about him and his feelings, because that's all I could feel or think about. The pain became manageable after a time because I embraced my many bonds with the pack, and then my unfortunate end, didn't see me to figure out the rest. Some may call it selfish, but I was being selfish to my pack by not doing it. That is an Alpha's one flaw when it comes to the pack, their mate wins out. We can't have that luxury and your Alpha, your mate Holden, needs to understand that it is a luxury, but one he is not using, so you must take it into your own hands. You must heal the bite he gave you, burn your skin so it will heal fresh and once the bite is gone so is the bond, but it will only work if you truly feel that your bond can no longer hold you. 

To let go of Holden, forever, would it be possible? After everything, I had a right too, but after everything could I? 

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Just a short one ... sorry :)