The Infinite White

Chapter 43 - Painless

I felt empty, my mind silent, my heart numb, everything was my own again, only my own thoughts as I started to process the feeling of belonging to myself again. It was painful both physically and emotionally, there was still a lingering pain in my chest, a throbbing ache in my head, my muscles ached at my movements; I wasn't sure if the tears I was shedding were due to the physical pain or the emotional overload of what I had just done. My fear of the coming days, of facing Holden, my family, explaining it to the packs, it was hard enough to tell Cooper, let alone everyone who believed I was going to be the future Luna of the pack, we are faced with more uncertainty than ever, this was just another thing to add to the list, but a necessary addition in the start to bring balance and stability. 

I decided to walk back to my house, in my human form, at a pace I believe to rival that of a Penguins waddle, Grams wanted to call Roland so he could drive me home, but I didn't want to burden him with this, nobody needed to know right now. Though I doubt I would be able to hide in from my family, especially since they all seemed to be conveniently outside my house as I walked through the tree to our back yard. 

"Cooper?" I asked as their eyes fell on me, 

"He just said you would need us and to wait outside until you came home" Amber answered, their eyes all scanning me up and down to see where the injury was that made me look like I was about to pass out, but they wouldn't be able to find it. 

The pressure of their concerned stares had my falling to my knees as I allowed all the pain to be answered through my tears. Sobs so loud and powerful my shoulders shook, it became hard to breathe, they reached me in no time, engulfing me in their arms, as if they could shield me from whatever invisible force was torturing me. They didn't push, didn't ask, until I started calming down, my entire face red, my stomach aching from the heaving, they kept their arms around me, until I started to wriggle out of them and then they just sat in front of me on their knees. 

"I did something, something that will benefit the pack, it will help me remain objective, allow me to focus all my emotions and energy on settling the pack and planning for the battle ahead. It is an old practice that only wolves like me, who fall outside the basic wolf hierarchy and cycle, can perform. It's called Abjuring, it is the permanent separation, a physically snapping of the physic link between me and Holden.  I can't feel anything, I can't hear anything, except my own feelings and thoughts, he's gone."

My mom sighed, "Oh honey" she rubbed her hand up and down my arm, 

"Is that even possible?" Amber asks,

"For the Infinite White? yes" my father answered, "I know you didn't make this decision lightly; some may argue it would have been an inevitability any way." 

"You know about Abjuring?" I was shocked, the first time I heard about it was last night, 

"I know I great deal of things, knowledge lost to most wolves, but that is a conversation for later" he piqued my interest, but he clearly didn't want to discuss it yet, 

"Knowing you my daughter" my mother pushed my hair off my face while caressing my cheek, "You did not inform Holden of your decision" I bowed my head in answered and followed with another sighed, 

"I sent Cooper to be with him and explain it to him, he won't understand, he'll hate me, or he may even be relieved, no longer having to care about me, about being on the same page with things, not having to hide his thoughts from me all the time, he's free, to just keep doing what he wants." 

"Oh sweety" mom pulls me in again, "You'll need to explain it to him yourself, but only when you're to see him" she stated, and I just nodded my head. 

Amber helped me to the bathroom where she stood outside the door, while I took a shower, and then help me back to my room and wouldn't leave until I was asleep.