Hysteria|Wenclair

Do you woe me?

before i start this chapter, ima list my infamous tws
-mentions of rape
-vulgar language and objectification of women
-mentions of Xavier
-esme not knowing the full story

that's pretty much it, enjoy!

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Ajax's POV:

I pace away from Enid's dorm, trying hard to forget what I just saw. It's only been a week, and Enid is already in love with Wednesday?

I have no reason to be upset about this. I broke up with her, Enid has every right to persue other people. I just... don't get how she managed to move on so quickly. I'm still losing sleep over her, and she's here making out with Wednesday? I'm mad. I shouldn't be, but I am.

I accidentally bump into someone, and mumble an apology before I realise who it is.

"Ajax! What has you in such a hurry?"

Esme.

The exact girl I did not need to see right now. If anyone can make my mind melt, it's her. I hate her for it. I don't hate her, I... like her? This girl is so confusing.

"Hey Esme."

"I haven't seen you since yesterday morning. What's up?"

"Uhm nothing... just going back to the dorm."

She nods. Something about her is just so... I have no idea. She's a bispecies, but holds no siren attributes, so she can't be a siren. No... something about her is more welcoming, more freeing. It makes me... forget about everything around... me...

"Ajax?"

Did I just zone out?

"I'm sorry, what were you saying?"

"I asked if you wanted to visit my dorm. It's just downstairs."

What the hell is this? Why am I speaking to Esme again? When did I get here? What- what?

"Ajax? Are you okay?"

Why do I feel so light? So cold? I feel like all the blood is being sucked put of my body. Maybe Yoko is nearby. What am I saying? What's going on? What...

I can't breathe. Why can't I breathe? I try to listen to the sounds of my own breath but I can't hear either. It hurts, I decide. It hurts and I feel it all crashing down. Serves me right for not smoking since Enid and I broke up.

Enid. Okay, Enid. Think of Enid and I'll be okay. But would Enid be okay? What would Enid think if she knew I was fantasising about her every second of every day? That I was depriving my body of the drugs it needs because I'm so utterly depressed that I can't find anything within me that would want to keep me alive. Fuck, am I dying?

I'm dying, I decide. I'm dying and there's nothing I can do about it. Why now? Why now when I could be having a conversation with Esme, my good friend?

Esme.

"Ajax, I need you to listen to me. Can you do that?"

I nod. I can do that. I can listen to Esme. That's all I need to do, to listen to her. I faintly realise that I'm being hypnotised. I don't mind. I trust her. Esme will help.

"Can you feel your heart thumping against your chest?"

I nod.

"Just... let that happen. Allow the rhythm of your own heartbeat wash over you, like it's coming a part of you. You are your heart. You are beating."

I am beating. I must be. Esme told me that I am, so it must be true. I feel my entire body beat, yet I don't make the effort to move with the beats. Esme didn't tell me to, so I don't have to.