SAUDADE: Loving Eye of Catastrophe (BS8)

Kabanata 18

Kabanata 18: Closure

"What if mag risk ka nalang sa'kin?"

That's a big word to say. I am with Hexion for months, and I never question the authenticity of his sincerity. What I felt was genuine. Tinignan ko lamang ang mukha ni Hexion, I didn't feel anything to say so I stay quiet.

My silence forced him to dismiss his statement.

"matulog na tayo, may mga pasyente pa tayo bukas." Saad nito, halata sa kaniyang mata ang pagkadismaya.

I am confused. Pero tumango lamang ako sa kaniya at pinanood siyang lumabas ng kwarto upang magtungo sa kwarto namin. Kapansin pansin ang ilang minuto na pagtigil nito sa harap ng pintuan ng kwarto namin. Mukhang inaasahan niya na susunod ako o may sasabihin man lang...

After minutes, nagpakawala ito nang malalim na buntong hininga bago pumasok sa kwarto.

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It's 5am. Too early for Hexion's duty.

Pero nang puntahan ko siya sa kwarto namin ay nakaalis na siya. Hindi ko alam kung sinasadya niya lang bang umalis ng ganon kaaga para hindi ako makita o ano. Pero baka naman may importanteng pasyente na nangangailangan ng atensyon.

I did my leave today. Wala akong balak pumasok.

Maybe it is time to put a period in a chapter I wasn't able to finish along the way.

Pinagmasdan ko lamang ang maamong mukha ni Rein habang natutulog ito. Hindi ko kkwestiyunin ang sarili ko nung magkagusto 'yung batang ako sa lalaking 'to. Walang duda, gwapo nga talaga siya. I remember we always celebrate Christmas by phone call. We update each other through exchanges of pictures that represent our day.

And that moment, I felt loved.

But time plays along, and an experience once felt is no longer enough. As we get older, we value consistency more.

We reinvent the word "loved". Because nowadays, the phone calls and updates don't matter like before. I want someone who will hold my hand, someone who is not only present in the distance, I want someone near. I want to commit to someone who values presence, who doesn't leave me hanging.

I approach the counter of this room. Hindi ko tiyak kung may supply ng pagkain sa kwarto na ito kagaya nang sa'min ni Hexion. Pero tinignan ko pa din. Well, hindi ko din naman sigurado kung anong lulutuin ko, baka soup na lamang siguro?

The counters contain supplies of food. Kahit tray ng itlog mayroon din doon. CGH is really something in terms of making sure that their employee is comfortable in our quarantine.

"Ang bango naman n'yan." Rinig kong saad ng lalaki sa likod.

Bahagya lamang akong tumango. "Wait lang, paluto na."

I can sense from the back that Rein stands up from the bed. And he is approaching me.

"Thanks, Kyl."

Tumango na lamang ako pagkatapos maghain. I prepared the meal for both of us.

"What's your plan after, Rein? Babalik ka na ng camp?" I asked him in the middle of the meal.

He sighed, "Yah, may duty pa ako ih. Pero sa pagkakaalam ko last na project na sasabakan ko na 'yun ngayong taon. May traydor sa kuta namin nitong nakaraan. Halos lahat ng sundalo namatay sa labanan kasi hindi namin nakuha agad yung hudyat na kailangan na naming umalis. Punong puno ng trap bombs ang corn field ng Mindanao."