Fading to Black // Kirk Hammett

18. Some Things Cant Be Fixed

April 27th, 1984

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Kirk's Point of View

I was in my bunk inside of our tour bus, when I woke up to loud muffled arguing out in the kitchen area. My head was fucking pounding and I felt like absolute shit. I don't know how fucked up I got last night, but I sure as shit was paying for it now.

I slowly sat up and turned so I could get up out of my bed, cautiously lifting myself up so I didn't fall on my face. I walked into the bathroom, taking a few pain meds to help my headache.

I slowly made my way out to the where I heard the obnoxious arguing. James, Lars, Tracy, Daniel, David, and Chris were all out there, practically at each others throats. I looked out the bus window to see Cliff talking on the phone, frantic with concern.

My heart instantly dropped, something wasn't right. I mean obviously I've never seen them all losing their shit like this.

"Speak of the fuckin' devil himself." James scoffed loudly, then looking at me.

James and Lars both glared daggers at me. If looks could kill, I would've just suffered a brutal fuckin' death.

"What's going on?" I asked quietly. Looking around at them all confused.

"Are you actually fucking joking right now?" James spat. "We're you that fucked up that you don't even fucking remember?"

An evil smirk crept on Tracy's face, as he took a drag from his cigarette. The second I saw the look on his face, everything from last night came flooding back to me.

Horror absolutely took over my face, as I slowly turned to James. "No..." I mumbled with panic rising in my voice. "No, no, no." I felt my breathing start getting heavy.

I didn't fucking do it, I know I didn't leave her I wouldn't do that.

"Yeah, dick." He downed the rest of his beer. "Cliffs been on the phone with her for an hour now, she's fucking devastated."

I felt hot tears instantly start streaming down my face, my breathing getting heavier. I felt my heart shattering into a million pieces in my chest. This was that unbearable pain I'd feared from the beginning, except I'd left her just because I let some asshole pressure me into it when I was high.

"On the bright side man, you can fuck the hot groupies now!" Tracy cackled throwing his head back, taking another drag from his cigarette.

I felt so many things all at once right now, sadness, unbearable pain, and anger. I was so fucking pissed that Tracy pushed me over the edge last night and talked me into it, but I was even angrier at myself that I was too high, and too stupid to give into him and do it.

"It's your fucking fault you asshole!" I snapped looking at Tracy.

James raised his eyebrows looking at me and then Tracy, who obviously hadn't mentioned his own involvement in this whole thing.

"What." James seethed through this clenched jaw.

"Tracy fucking talked me into it! He kept putting all this shit in my head, and my dumb coked up ass went through with it!" I screamed as my voice shook.

"I was just fucking with him, man. Not my fault he wanted to go through with it."  Tracy shrugged.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" James raised his voice, glaring daggers at both me and Tracy.

"Look, you can yell at me later, but I have to fix things with her." I said choking on my own tears, as I ran out of the tour bus door, and over to Cliff.

I have never felt such a gut wrenching pain in my life. I didn't know what to do, and I just keep kicking myself in the ass for going through it with it.

I sprinted over to Cliff as fast as I could, I was running so fast that I couldn't even feel my feet underneath me.

"I know kid, I know. I promise you it'll be okay." I heard Cliffs voice say quietly into phone, as I got closer.

I finally got there, fully out of breath. I crouched down for a moment to steady my breathing, and I heard Hailey's heartbroken, gut wrenching, cries coming through the phone.

At this point I felt whatever was left of my heart, get ripped out of my chest. I fucking did that to her.

"Cliff, let me talk to her please." I begged him choking on my tears.

Cliff sighed, and pushed the phone away from his face. "That's not a smart idea right now, man." He said softly, looking at me sympathetically. "Look, I know theres more to it than what the other guys are saying, Kirk. I know you. We can talk about it later, but you just really can't talk to her right now."

I took in a deep shaky breath, and nodded in defeat as I drug myself back to the bus. Lars, James, and Tracy were all still screaming at one another, but I just pushed past them and flopped into my bunk.

I just don't understand why I did it, I let myself get so fucked up, and finally gave in to Tracy. I just ruined my own fucking life.

I heard the tour bus door open a few moments later, the guys abruptly stopped shouting.

"How is she?" James questioned full of concern.

"Not good to say the least," Cliff sighed "but Dave's there with her, I talked to him. He said he'd stay and make sure she's alright."

The second I heard his name my stomach dropped to my ass. That asshole, I bet he was just waiting for this to happen.

"Gotcha." James said unsurely.

"I'm gonna go talk to him." Cliff stated, as I heard footsteps approaching. Shortly after hearing the curtain open.

The other guys started arguing again and Cliff sat down next to me.

"So, you wanna tell me what happened?" He asked letting out a heavy sigh.

I sat up, letting out a slow, shaky breath. "When we all went to the club last night, I obviously wasn't going with James and Lars to fuck strippers so I just stayed the table with Tracy and the other guys." I said quietly.

"I ended up drinking a bit, and did some lines. By the time I was super fucked up, Tracy just kept telling me she was a bitch, thats holding me back in life, and that I was too young to be settling down and doing the love shit. I told him to shut up a few times and eventually when he just wouldn't stop, I snapped and gave into it." I wiped some the tears that were still on my face.

Cliff took a deep breath, "Well I can't say I'm not upset with you, man. You shouldn't have just given in to him, and you shouldn't have been taking shit but unfortunately that's what happened." He said disappointedly. "Tracy's a dick though, and he does shit like that so I know you didn't necessarily mean it."

"I just wanna fix things, man. I cant lose her forever." I looked at him, tears flooding back into my eyes. "I love her, Cliff. So, so much." My voice broke as I said it.

"Some things you just can't fix unfortunately," He put an arm around my shoulder. "but I'd say just give her some time, and then try to explain yourself."

I only nodded at him. He pat me on the back before he walked out of the room.

I felt lost, empty, and just fucking angry. I don't know what the fuck to do.