Fading to Black // Kirk Hammett

20. Downward Spiral

June 7th, 1984

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I've spent the past month, constantly with Dave. I've stayed with him every night and hung out with him every day. It wasn't in the same way I did with Kirk though. It didn't feel the same at least.

Dave and I had decided to give things a second chance, well indirectly. There really isn't a label put on it, but we've been acting 'couple-y' I guess you could say. Unfortunately, if I'm being totally honest, my heart really just wasn't in it.

However I had fallen head over heels in love again, not with Dave, but with fucking heroine. I'm ending up just like my fuckin' mother, nothing but a piece of shit junkie.

I went to the party with Dave about a month ago. I snuck off, to get some more beer, I had tried both weed, and coke at that point. Both of which just didn't do it for me, they'd work for a while, but then the black abyss inside of me just became immune to it. I don't exactly remember what happened, but the next thing I knew I was in the bathroom with Nikki fuckin' Sixx, shooting up and I just never stopped.

The worst part is, I don't even fucking care. If I OD, then I OD. I'll just let it happen. I just don't have a reason to feel the need to stick around forever, I don't have anything going for me.

Dave didn't know, at least I hadn't told him. I think he was suspicious of it, and I didn't wanna hear him snap when it I told him.

Heroine was the only thing that made my mind so far gone, that the numbness went away, and the non-stop thoughts of Kirk would subside. Of course it was only temporary, but the second those feelings came back I just fucking shot up again.

I don't remember that last time I was completely fucking sober. I was on a downward spiral with a one-way ticket to rock bottom, and I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to get back up.

I wish I never started shooting up, but it was really my only option, and now I don't think I can go back. If only Kirk could see me now, he wouldn't even look in my fucking direction.

As much as I hate to admit it to myself, I still missed him like hell. I know I had a thing going with Dave, but I didn't feel even remotely close to the way I felt about Kirk. I don't think I could ever feel that way about someone ever again.

I didn't know what else to do with myself anymore, sometimes I wish I could just end it all. Stop the unbearable pain, but that's what the heroine also came into play for.

I knew one day, I'd shoot up and finally never come down from that high. Hopefully just never wake up at all.

Kirk's Point of View

In the past month I've managed to wein off of my coke problem, only my drinking became much heavier.

After what happened with Hailey, I just couldn't look at coke again. It truly ruined my life, and I was paying the consequences of it.

I haven't spoken to her since, I know Cliff said to give her time, but every passing day it gets harder and harder. I miss her more than anything, and no amount of alcohol can take that away.

She's the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning, and the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep. It hurts even more that I had to see in a magazine, that her and Dave could possibly be back together.

I wish that was me, it should be me instead of that asshole, but if she was happy I wasn't going to ruin that for her. Even though it's killing me inside.

The guys ended up deciding to break off the tour with Terminator. They eventually just had enough of Tracy's shit. We were good though, we were on our own.

I just pray to the heavens above, that one day I'll get a chance to fix everything with Hailey. I would do anything for her, I have so many regrets. I never even told her I loved her, and it was more than overdue. I loved her more than I loved myself, even now that we haven't spoke in over a month, she's all I can think about.

The guys and I were finally okay again. They were still a little pissed, but they understood my end a bit better now. They just said to finish up tour on a good note, and solve everything once we get back.

July felt too far away for me, I wanted her back now. Hell, I fucking needed her. I honestly was starting to worry, 'cause Cliff hasn't heard from her in a little over 2 weeks now.

I sighed getting up, I snatched a bottle of Jack Daniels out of the fridge and downed it quickly.

Goddamn thoughts, running fucking wild.

I hate thinking, ever since the incident my mind just doesn't stop screaming. It's a never ending cycle, constantly reminding me of how badly I fucked up.

I wiped my wrist across my mouth, and drunkenly stumbled over to James, Lars, and Cliff.

This was gonna be a long fuckin' month.