June 2, 2015
8:30 p.m
-iMessage-
Theodore: Hi
Alice: Hey
Theodore: Do you love me?
Alice: Ofcourse I do! Why are you asking?
Theodore: Why do you love me?
Alice: First, you tell mewhy are you asking this?
Theodore: Just like that.
Alice: I love you because I love you.
I waited but there was no response for next 10 minutes. I knew things weren't good from past few months but they weren't even bad, atleast that bad. Moreover, I loved him and he was worth waiting and fighting for. I could fight with him, I could tell him I should break up with him because he was too busy for me. But no, never! I always got back because I could have never imagined my life without him. And today after so long, finally, we are talking but he is asking all such stupid things to which my subconscious raises an eyebrow and tells me, my intuitions that soon he will be leaving, are going to be true today!
"No!" I gasped. I shook away all the thoughts and took a deep breath, to make myself relaxed or atleast try to feel relaxed. My hands were shivering and I couldn't control my heavy breaths and uneven heartbeats. I was being a fool to ignore the fraught. My discontinuous breathing and building tension was making me more and more frazzled with every passing minute.
I unlocked my phone and scrolled the notification centre down to see if there was a message from him, only to face a disappointment.
I finally decided to write down the reasons why I love him. But then I remembered the video I made for him on our 3rd anniversary, this January. Wasn't it all about those reasons only?The reasons why I loved him and he still wants to know. It was being impossible for me to keep anger out of my words, but still managed to write a reply as politely as I could keeping in mind the consequences of the rage of my words from our last few fights, especially the one we had in the February end.
Suddenly my mind went back to the night of February 27, 2015. After that night things changed. No matter how may times he said it was okay but I knew it wasn't. Everything changed abruptly.
Alice: After all this while, you are still not sure that I love you and for what reasons! That's strange.
Alice: I love you for you.
Alice: I love you and for that I don't want any damn reason now. Loving you with reasons was an initial stage.
Theodore: You love me for me?
Alice: Yes. I love you for the way you are.
Theodore: But you said I have changed now. You love me the way I was and not the way I am.
Jesus Christ! Now he is going to tell me for what I love him! Does he even have the slightest of the idea, how hurting he was and is right now? My love for you isn't on any trials that I have to defend myself and my never ending feelings for him. If he can't see them himself why should I be even telling him, what he means to me? When he can't understand my love, how will my words even matter to him? Yes, you're damn right. You are a changed person but only for me.
Theodore: Do you believe in destiny?
Where is he going now? Multiple thoughts were running in my head, simultaneously.
Alice: Yes. Sometimes. You?
Theodore: I don't know. Sometimes yes. Sometimes no.
Alice: What's going on in your mind right now? What are you thinking exactly?
Theodore: Nothing at all.
Liar! My subconscious shouted, back in my mind. What is this fuss about then?
I tired to be calm but was a big failure. My hands just couldn't stop shivering. Maybe they knew and had accepted, what was going to happen but my heart wasn't ready for it, yet.
I believe heart is the stupidest organ of our body. Why? Because it's always so optimistic and hopes it gets what it wants. I really wish heart had a brain of itself so that we poor humans would have acted wisely before or while falling in love.
Alice: Why are you asking about destiny and all?
Theodore: Just like that.
I will beat the shit out of him if he once again say 'Just like that'.
And then again he started.
Theodore: Do you delete our chats?
Alice: What chats?
Theodore: iMessage chats?
Alice: Yes. I do. Why?
I will punch him if he again said, 'Just like that'!
Theodore: It's been so many days since I said, I love you to you or sent you at least kiss or heart eyes emojis.
Oh boy! Where are you going? Are you feeling guilty about it. My subconscious clapped. Yes maybe, finally he is coming back. He is realizing what he had been missing or is he just making me feel more miserable. I lowered my looks at her to tell, just shut the fuck up and let me talk to him.
Alice: I know.
Theodore: Hmmm.
Theodore: It maybe because sometimes I didn't had the time to or sometimes I didn't feel like saying it or was not in a mood at all to talk to anybody about anything.
Great! Now I am also being counted as anybody. I thought I was special for him. I thought he liked sharing things with me but I was so wrong. All of these things show how changed he is.
Alice: It's better not to say it when you don't mean it from heart and you say it just as a phrase, right?
Theodore: You've become a philosopher, Alice.
Alice: Now have I? Maybe! I was on a vacation and didn't had much to do so, yeah maybe.
I have always been like that. You were just too busy to notice that.
Theodore: Yes, you have. Its the reflection of pain and sadness.
Oh so you can see that am going through these without my saying. Well, you do still understand me, but only a little.
Alice: Is it? I don't think so. It's just the consequence of thinking. When you think about some things and only them, that's when you start being philosophical. It has got nothing to do with pain and sadness.
He was silent now. He read my message but there was no reply from him.
Alice: There is something going on in your mind. What is it? What will you take to tell it?
