Better Together

40 | affection

Chapter 40 : Affection

Ruhaani had learned how to manage feelings. She always knew grief to be one of the most intense feelings. Grief was all consuming. It was like a burning wax candle. Slow, painful and ruining.

Nonetheless, Ruhaani had learned how to be immune to it. She knew the numbing pain of loss of a loved one. She had lost people who were her family, her parents first and her husband later.

Grief was an emotion she knew to well. No emotion could be messier, more all-consuming and more disturbing than grief. Or so she had thought up until now.

The feelings she had begun to feel around Aadarsh were just as messy, consuming and drowning. Those feelings sat stubbornly in the centre of her being. No matter how hard she tried to shove it away, she failed.

Those newfound feelings made her do stupid things. Like keeping hope of something better, like craving for every tiny bit of acknowledgment and validation she got from him. Like fooling herself to think she knew him better than anyone else did.

Every time Aadarsh's eyes would search for her, her heart would jump up with a strange satisfaction. Every time Aadarsh turned away from her, a dull uneasiness took over her.

She tried reasoning with her insanity. Aadarsh loved someone else. Someone prettier. Someone who made the most beautiful smile play on his lips. Someone whose absence had sucked out the best parts of him.

Someone he probably still loved.

Aadarsh might be her husband, but wasn't her companion. He may talk to her nicely for a bit, but that didn't mean he liked her the way she liked him. He may be concerned about her wellbeing, but it wasn't because he felt the same way she felt for him; it was merely a responsibility. They may have a marriage but they hardly had a relationship.

They were just two people who fit into each other's life well, who made each other's life better. Them being together meant the people they loved got the best. It didn't mean anything more than that.

Starting to harbour feelings for him was sheer stupidity and recklessness. Ruhaani knew that. She should have set things right. She should have managed her feelings.

That's where she failed. She couldn't manage what she felt for him. The feelings were so damn powerful, so damn consuming.

Thus, here she was, in a dark room meekly lit up with the early blue light of dawn watching him sleep. The first thing she thought about as soon as she was awake, was him.

His mouth blowing air softly into her eyes to soothe them. His hand holding hers every time he thought there was a chance she may need support. His arms saving her from every minor trip and fall. His eyes looking at her like. . . he felt all those emotions she felt. His firm lips kissing her cheeks softly.

Her heart felt so full, yet so empty. She wanted to scoot over and slip her arms around him. She ached to be in his arms. She wanted to caress his cheek and run her hand over his head. She wanted to be more than a namesake wife. She wanted to be something more.

She longed for affection, his affection.

Ruhaani had very soon in life understood that no one would love her. There was no one in the world who'd give her all the love and care she had missed out on. It had taken years but she had accepted her fate. She had learned how to not long for that gentle feeling—affection, from anyone.

However years later here she was, desperate for tenderness that came from him. This was not a good sign. She had longed for this affection and sought it from Harsh too. She wanted him to love her. However her hope had been destroyed, her heart shattered and her life deprived of all bright colors and rosy feelings, all too soon. What looked promising to be a bed of rose petals turned out to be a grave of thorns.