Already Home // Harry Styles

Let Me Down Easy

24th July 22, Italy

This wasn't the way my birthday was supposed to be. I was 29 today. The last year of my 20's had been planned for the past 2 years. I was supposed to be on a flight to Kenya with the love of my life. A one month long trip around Africa doing various safaris. It had always been a dream of mine and we had been saving and planning for years to do this trip. Charlie and I had been working tons of overtime in order to bank enough time to take a full month off. The trips were booked. I had been speaking to the guides for months telling them the things we hoped to see and do. The bags were packed. We had had the vaccinations. Everything was ready.

Making the cancellations had been devastating. Not to mention the amount of money I lost. Absolutely eye watering.

Charlie had broken up with me a week ago. As we sat on our bed, he confessed he had been seeing Alice for just over a month. He cried as he told me he just couldn't keep living this double life. He cried as he told me he didn't think he loved me anymore. He cried as he told me he would never forget me, or our baby. He cried as he told me I had given him the best 5 years of his life. He held his head in his hands, his shoulders were sagged and as I watched him closely, I barely recognised him. I felt like I was floating above, watching someone else's life. This couldn't be real. I had only seen Charlie cry once before in all the years we had been together. Were the tears there to try to make me feel better? What the hell was this. Surely I should be the one crying. I was the one betrayed.

My whole world shattered as this man, my person, the love of my life, sat in front of me telling me he loved another woman. I just couldn't comprehend it. My Charlie was not a cheater. My Charlie was a quiet, kind, morally good man. Who was this stranger in front of me.

He left the apartment shortly after. I knew it was because he didn't want to deal with the repercussions. He had never been one for confrontation, just like me. It left little room between us to fight things out. The difference was, I could communicate with him. He found that difficult. The majority of entire relationship he would just leave me to overthink everything to the point of driving myself crazy rather than have the difficult conversations. It was always me who had to slowly tease his emotions out of him, but by all accounts Alice did it overnight. A true life miracle worker.

I think I cried for a solid 24 hours after he walked out. I called in sick to work, faking a stomach bug. I didn't eat, didn't sleep, I didn't even move off the sofa. I moved from the bed almost immediately after he told me. That place had once been sacred. It was where we shared our hopes and dreams, where we told each other how in love we were, where we held each other and it's where we made love. Now it was tainted and dark.
I just alternated between feeling numb and in shock and devastated and crying. Stanley, our cat just sniffed about before moving off to sleep on the bed. He wasn't exactly what you would call an emotional support animal.

You know what you don't really hear about in breakups? The admin that comes with it. He was my life insurance beneficiary. He was my emergency contact on everything.  We shared an old grumpy cat. Most importantly, we both co-owned this apartment. I was going to have to find somewhere else to live. It's actually impossible to find somewhere in London that's affordable on a single persons wage. I don't think it had fully hit me yet that I would have to start over. Every time the thought of house shares and creepy roommates crept in to my mind, I instantly batted them away. I was devastated enough without having to worry about living with strangers. That would have to be a problem for future me.

Taylor had found out as she popped into the apartment unannounced. She had been given a set of keys for emergencies. She found me on the sofa, wallowing. She was furious at Charlie, rightly so. But it was complicated. He was her friend too, and Ricky's. I had told her point blank that she couldn't pick sides. She should stay as his friend too. I would never allow my friends to be caught in the cross-fire of my mess. It was that day I finally confessed to her about the pregnancy and the loss. She was great. So supportive and wonderful. I could never stop reminding myself how lucky I was with her.