Already Home // Harry Styles

Nonsense

12th June, London

It was drizzling with rain by time I reached the darkened London street. Not the weather you want to be standing outside in the dress that I was in. It didn't provide any kind of cover or warmth at all. I huddled myself beneath the window awnings and took in a couple of deep breaths in order to steady myself. All of that seemed to come out of nowhere and the speed it escalated left me rattled. I knew men's anger. I knew men's rage. I knew men's hands on my body when they were outraged or full of fury. I was ashamed of myself for even letting my mind go there, but it was triggering. Once I heard that tone in a man's voice, I was straight back to getting beatings from an enraged dad or a toxic boyfriend and I was a just a girl again. It was embarrassing.

"What the hell was that?" I heard come from my side and I couldn't help but flinch. Just a little, but it was there. For a big man, Harry was surprisingly light on his feet. I didn't hear him approach at all. He saw me flinch, I knew it because even though I could feel the annoyance radiating off me, he still slipped off his jacket once he reached me and wrapped it across my shoulders.

"What?" I replied with a very unattractive attitude, holding on to the edge of the jackets in my fingertips and pulling my arms across my chest in a vain effort to block the cold drizzling wet. 

"What? Seriously? You just dismiss me along with these two other guys when there was clearly something untoward going on and you ask me what?" He snapped out, his fingertips tugging at the roots of his hair. His irritation evident in the way he was pacing a few steps back and forth.

"I had the situation under control and then it just escalated for no reason at all" I said, glaring back at him. His eyes dark, his pupils so dilated it made him look other worldly. "There was no reason for you to go at each other like that, creating a scene!"

"So hold on" he said, spinning around to face me and stopping his pacing. His face flushed and his hair wild from his finger tips. "Some guy has his hands on you, roughly I might add, your ex boyfriend is in the mix also with his hands on you but I'm supposed to just stay away and trust it'll all work out? I'm supposed to not give a shit men are touching you? Are you for real Addison?" He spat out, his hands moving to his sides as they balled in and out of fists. "Never mind the look on your face. The clear fear behind your eyes. The fight or flight that was obviously there. Never mind that you were so very clearly scared, I should just ignore that? What the fuck"

"I can handle myself!" I said, the words coming out much weaker than I intended.

"That's what you are taking from this? Seriously?" His nostrils flared. "A few weeks ago you were ready to up and leave because of some girl I barely even knew. But two men, who you have had intimate relations with are surrounding you with hands on your skin, freaking you out and I'm just supposed to be cool with it and leave it be? How is that fair? How is that even reasonable?"

I took a minute to process what he was saying. I hadn't thought about it that way. He was absolutely right. I was being irrational and very unfair on him. The only thing that was in my mind at that moment was blind panic. I didn't stop to think about how it must have looked to him just before he came over. The trauma response took over and I just took off.
An apology had made its way to my lips when Harry spoke again.

"Do you still love Charlie?" He asked me, his top teeth biting down on his bottom lip.
I knew the shock ran right across my face, I could feel my mouth drop open.

"What the fuck? Of course I don't love him Harry. Of course not. Why would you even ask me that?" I said, moving a step towards him but he moved back away from me.

"Because when he comes running it's absolutely fine! It's fine when he comes to your aid. You're there for him! All the time!" he spat out, throwing his hands up in the air and letting them fall dramatically.

"That's unfair H. Once I knew you didn't like it I put boundaries into place straight away. I don't love Charlie anymore. I don't" I tilted my head and tried with my tone of voice and my body language to show him I was serious.
"I didn't want him to come to my aid. I wanted to try to deal with it quietly before it escalated into something. And then it did and you are right, I did panic. 3 men going at each other with anger. It did scare me for just a minute. I got flashbacks of Josh and I had to get out of there. I'm sorry ok? I know you are not Josh. None of you are"
Josh was that toxic ex boyfriend. A few strong drinks in him and I became a personal punching bag for that boy. Not something I liked to think about often.

Harry said nothing but continued his pacing, continued pulling at his hair and I could see he was so in his emotions. He was angry and irritated at me, felt slighted and probably a little betrayed. He was in his head at the sight of Ben and Charlie being that close to me and it was perfectly understandable.
A glance through the window and I could see there were quite a few people gazing out in our direction, whispering amongst each other. There were a couple of people smoking nearby who had a front row seat. Not ideal.

"Harry, stop please. You are drawing attention" I said putting my hand on his upper arm in an attempt to get him to stop the pacing in the rain. "I reacted the wrong way and I'm sorry about that. I should have taken a breath to think before just lashing out and I'm really sorry. It's not because I still have feelings for Charlie. Thats crazy. I love you Harry, only you. You are it for me. I know I'm hard work and if this is too much that's okay, I get it. But it's you I'm in love with" I sighed out, dropping my hands to my sides.

"Say that again" he finally said after a very very long minute past. His voice quieter now.

"I know, that's not exactly how I wanted that to come out. I'm sorry, I.."

"Just say it again" Harry cut me off, turning his body to face mine. Leaving only a few inches between us.

"I'm in love with you" I repeated, my voice quiet and the words coming out in kind of a sigh.

"I love you too" He replied, his face finally breaking out into a small smile as his hands come to my hips. His shoulders relaxed and it seemed like all the high emotions had lifted from him. His face lowered to mine and our lips met softly. It was quick, but sweet. We were in a London street after all.

"I really am sorry" I said quietly, reaching my hands up to cup his cheeks in the palms of my hands. It didn't feel like this was really over. There was a lot to dissect there but for now it seemed we were both ready to leave it there.

"I'm sorry too. I didn't even think about Josh. One day, we'll get this right and timing will be perfect" He said joking, tilting his forehead to rest against mine for a moment. "You wanna go inside and dance?"

"Absolutely" I nodded, reaching to take his hand.

We didn't stay for too long. We never planned on staying too late anyways. Tomorrow was a big day. The start of a few very big days.
Ben made a very ungraceful exit not long after we re-entered. Stumbling his way across the room and then being helped into a cab by Ricky's dad. He was for sure going to wake up with a very sore head and a fair bit of embarrassment. Charlie kept his distance from us too, opting to stand at the bar instead of in the cluster of people we were with on the dance floor. He did make eye contact with me a few times and the familiar look of annoyance was written all over his face. I couldn't worry myself with that though right now. It wasn't my job to comfort him anymore. I had to concentrate on me and Harry now.

We laughed and we danced, we joked around with my friends and we had a lovely time. People seemed to have the good grace not to ask what had happened there which was a relief. No need to drag out the scene any longer. It was a celebratory night about love.
All my friends seemed to love Harry and he fitted in well. I knew he would of course but it was still nice to see them all get along so well. It was a good sign. You always want your partner and your friends to get along don't you? It makes things so much easier.
There was no lingering annoyance left from Harry for the rest of the night. That was one of the really special things about him. He could let things go and forgive easily. Too easily probably. I'm not sure I should have been left off the hook that quick.

But that night, we went back to Harry's house and made love. We held each other all night long, whispering I love you back and forth for hours. Sleep didn't feel as important as telling each other exactly how we felt. And it was perfect.