Already Home // Harry Styles

Free Fallin'

24th May, Coventry

Why did I have to be this way? What did I do to deserve this life?
The childhood physical abuse left me unable to trust people wouldn't hurt me in some way. The childhood emotional abuse left me guarded, unable to let people get really close. The neglect left me terrified of abandonment, needing constant reassurance. The adult abuse I suffered at the hands of Josh, my first real adult boyfriend, left me unable feeling like I was never good enough, never deserving of anyone kind or even just nice. Charlie's cheating just added to all of that. Deep down, I think I almost believed that the miscarriage was due to how broken I was inside.
I didn't want to be broken. Was this me now? For life? Was I always going to be broken? I don't want this anymore.

I was sat on the floor of the hotel room, my knees to my chest and my arms cradling them as he came back into the room not 5 minutes later. The door flying open and Harry coming charging in.

"I can't go for a fucking walk because I didn't take a hat or sunglasses and there's a hundred fucking people outside this hotel" he cried out, his voice shaking and his eyes wet. "I can't even go for a walk".

He sank into the arm chair in the corner by the door, his face sinking into his hands. He was frustrated, annoyed. That was easy to read by the body language. But there was a sadness too. I got it. I felt the same way.

"I hate this" he let out before I could even speak. I wasn't sure whether it was in reference to his inability to leave the hotel and go for a walk to clear his head or the fight we had just had. It could have been both.
"It was going so well" he said, looking up to me. I could see him only out of my peripheral vision. My eyes cast firmly at the carpet of the floor like a scolded child.
"What happened?" He asked me, sitting more upright in his chair, trying I think to get me to look at him.

"I don't know" I said weakly, letting my forehead fall against my knees, pulling them even tighter to my chest and trying to make myself as small as possible. I looked pathetic. Like a whimpering little child. I hated it.

"You are trying to push me away and I'm not having it Addison. I'm not going to just let that happen. If you want me to leave, you have to give me a real reason" he said, his words coming out quickly and passionately.

I let out a long sigh, blinking my eyes in quick succession to stop any pathetic little tears from creeping out.
"Because I'm getting attached to this Harry!" I cried out, my voice coming out louder than I intended. I took another long breath, steadying myself for the rest.
"I will not allow myself to get so attached if this is all just going to disappear" I said finally, speaking into the universe the biggest fear I had for the past couple of weeks. I was falling for him, no doubt. How could you not? It was all too easy. He made it easy. But the downfall of that, it would take me out. Why couldn't I just trust that he had good intentions? That he wasn't Josh, he wasn't Charlie? Harry wasn't going to hurt me purposefully.

"You think I'm not already attached?" Harry said, his voice softer, coming closer towards me. He sat himself down on the floor in front of me, his legs crossed.
"I'm not disappearing Ad, not now, not ever. I'm in this. Hey, can you look at me?" He said, reaching to me and grabbing my hand, pulling it into his lap. I slowly raised my eyes to meet his. Why did he have to have such beautiful eyes? They were just all too easy to fall into to. I couldn't help but cry quietly at the sight of those beautiful tear filled green eyes.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm in this. For real. I'm not perfect, I get that. Life is not easy with me, I get that too. We both have our unresolved issues and I swear I'm going to be patient with you. You've told me in the past you've always been afraid that your trauma responses are going to push people away sooner or later. Remember? You've been scared that people can't handle it. I know everything you've been through Addison. I know this is tough, but I'm here with you. I can handle it. You can be whoever you need to be with me" he pulled his free hand to place it against my face gently. He pushed my hair back over my shoulder and gently stroked my cheek and jaw. It was all the right things to hear. It was everything I needed in that moment.

"I don't know what the answer is to get you to trust I'm committed to you, to us, but I will never stop trying to show you. I'm already falling for you hard Addy. This is it for me. You are it for me. I know it seems fast, but in other ways, it's been 15 years in the making" he moved both of his hands quickly to my hips, tugging my closer towards him as he opened his crossed legs and pulled me between them.

"Are you afraid?" He asked, moving his hands back to hold onto mine again. Squeezing them tight.

"Yes" I said quietly, tilting my head and looking at him. I was so exhausted. The emotional rollercoaster of the last 24 hours was a lot.

"I'm afraid too. But I'm not going to let fear get in the way of something real. I'm not going to miss the chance of being with you and loving you because of something like being afraid" I dropped my head into his chest then, crying against his T-shirt silently. He held me gently, his hand moving to rub up and down my back. Somewhere, unconsciously, we had stopped telling each other we loved each other. Before, we would say it all the time. Platonically at least. Now it felt so big, it felt like we had to wait to speak it out loud. We had to wait until it was more. We had to wait until it was everything.

"What do you want Addison?" He asked me. I knew that if I told him I didn't want this, he would let me go. I knew that whatever I told him I wanted, he would try his hardest to give me it.

"I want this. I want this to work. I know I've shut down in a lot of ways. This is not the me you are used to and I'm sorry H, I really am. I don't want to be that way but I don't know how to stop it. I just want to be able to stop over analysing everything. I want to be the best version of myself for you" I sighed, pulling back away from him. I wanted him to see in my eyes that I was sincere. I was done being too afraid. I was going to feel the fear and do it anyway.

"I just need you to communicate with me. Don't freak out, don't run away. Stop trying to push me away. We can talk anything through. I can deal with it. I want every version of you imaginable. There are no parts of you I don't want. Do you hear me? Like really hear me?" He asked, one hand still tightly holding on to mine, the other dropping from my back and holding onto the side of my neck.

"Communication. I can do that" I nodded, moving my free hand to grab onto his wrist, holding him there.

"And no more freak outs?" He asked, his eyebrow raising and the tiniest of smirks on his lips.

"I can't promise that" I said, a small laugh escaping my lips. I would have loved to promise him anything he wanted but I couldn't do it honestly. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself before I could really promise how I would react to things. I could and would promise him I would really work on myself though. I could do the work to heal that trauma. Channel it into something positive. It was about time I took my life back, and with Harry holding my hand, it was just like Sarah said. I could fix myself.

"But you can try?" He asked.

"I can try" I agreed.

"It's you and me St James. You and me against the world" He said, leaning forward and placing a kiss on my forehead before placing his head in my lap, holding me around the waist. I played with his hair softly whilst we both let out the tears we had been holding in. Now, tears of relief. We got through it.

He pulled himself up to his feet after a few minutes, pulling me up along with him. He pulled me into a hug, holding me as close as humanly possible. Burying my face into his chest, I nodded.  He wasn't wrong. The world would have an opinion. The world would analyse our relationship. It had never mattered to me before. I had to make sure it didn't matter now. The first step in fixing myself should be refusing to keep him and I a secret from those around me. I wasn't going to let him feel like I was keeping him hidden. I wasn't going to hide how I was feeling about him.

"Hey. I'm falling for you too" I finally said, tilting my head back to look at him.