Physical Communication

Chapter 17

⚠️Trigger Warning ⚠️
Topic of abuse

I didn't hear Adam come out so he startles me when he sits down next to me on the couch. I look over at him and he seems to be doing better. He doesn't make eye contact with me but keeps them on the floor.

[Thank you.]

I hesitate.

[Do you want to talk about it?]

[No, but I know after everything you deserve some explanation.]

Several emotions go through me; relief, concern, and sympathy are the main ones. I nod and quietly wait for him to start. He seems to be lost in his thoughts. I lift my hand to grab his chin and turn his face towards me. Anger courses through me again at the site of his busted lip. He doesn't seem to have the energy to pull away from me this time.

[Let's start with who gave you this?]

[My dad.]

[That man was your dad?!]

I can't hide the fury in my voice or in the way my hands move. I knew this deep down but having him confirm it upsets me more. I squeeze my hands into fists. Adam looks down in shame.

[Yeah, I didn't have the loving home life like you did. I grew up out in the middle of nowhere in upstate New York. I was raised in a very religious family in a very religious community. I loved going to church because it meant I wasn't at home. As you can guess my dad was abusive. He hit my mother and me. I asked her to leave him once and she said it wasn't allowed in our faith.]

He stops. I fight myself to stop from wrapping him in my arms again. My heart is breaking as I picture a little Adam being beat up by his dad.

[When I was fourteen he beat me up so bad I ended up in the hospital. When I woke up I couldn't hear.]

This new bombshell has me on the brink of losing it, tracking down this man and killing him. I remember Adam told me once he wasn't born deaf but I never would have imagined this.

[After that it got worse. I was broken and a disgrace to them. I was the deaf kid everyone talked about. I wasn't allowed to go back to church. Life was hell..but I deserved it.]

[THE HELL YOU DID!]

[I was a sinner and no longer belonged. So between losing my safe space and the increased beatings...I ran away. I went to NYC first. It's easy to get lost there. Then I moved to Boston. I started fighting in NYC. It was mainly to learn self defense but also let out my anger. And no one cares if you're deaf in the gym. It became my new safe space.]

He looks up at me and smiles. It doesn't light up his face but it warms me and starts to calm me down.

[I started going back to church and worked on fixing myself. I was happy for the first time. I met Louis when he joined my gym and he talked about this great gym up here. I was ready for a change.]

He goes still again, deep in thought and memories. I think back to our first meeting.

[You say you were happy in Boston. But you have seemed miserable for as long as I've known you.]

I watch as he holds in a laugh.

[My first mistake was moving here and joining your gym.]

[Oh thanks. Tell me how you really feel.] I smirk at him.

The humor I saw on his face a moment ago vanishes. He throws his head back on the couch and sighs.

[That's the problem. I can't.]

[Can't what?] I look at him confused.

[Tell you how I feel...because I don't want to feel it.]

It starts to make sense. What his dad said earlier...I can't handle false hope. My heart beat picks up. I will let him talk.

[When I was younger I started having...feelings for someone...a guy.] He looks at me then looks away. [I was fourteen...my dad found out somehow. That's when I ended up in the hospital. I knew then what I felt was a sin and I had to fight it. I prayed and worked on removing those thoughts from my mind. I did. I was happy.]

[And are you still happy?]

He looks me in the eyes and I can see the tears barely holding on.

[I try to be. But it's so hard. I started drinking to numb the feelings. But it didn't always work...I started getting into fights. The pain overpowered any other feeling for a while.]

It all starts to click together.

[The night by the bar. Is that why you left yourself open on purpose?]

He just nods.

[No matter what I do, you're still there. I've decided to move.]

This takes me by surprise. I'm speechless. I need everything he just said clarified.

[Are you gay?]

[No.]

I don't want to scare him off. I need to figure out how to talk about this.

[Is that because you choose not to be?]

He doesn't answer.

[Adam, it's ok. It's your choice. I was just asking.]

[Yes.]

I nod.

[Ok. You hated me for being gay...is this why?]

He doesn't respond. My heart races at my next question.

[Are you unhappy here because you have feelings for me?]

My stomach is in my throat. I don't think Ive ever been this nervous in my life. He runs his hand down his face and tries to take in a couple deep breaths. I should stop, this is too much for him.

[It's fine. Don't answer that. We should get some rest.]

He takes a moment before he stands up. My eyes can't help but rake over him. He walks over to my bedroom, my eyes still on him. He stops in the doorway and turns back to me.

[Thank you again for tonight. And yes Warren, you are the pain of my existence. Good night.]

He turned back around and closed the bedroom door. Leaving me stunned, confused, and a little turned on.