Physical Communication

Chapter 23

I am rendered speechless. The sight of Adam on my doorstep, soak to the bone from the rain, possibly bleeding, and looking as lost as the night of his fight is surprising. But none of this comes close to the shock of hearing his voice. I just stand in the doorway staring until a I snap out of it and step back to let him in. I watch as his body shakes from the cold.

[Follow me.]

I walk into my bedroom and straight to my ensuite bathroom. I grab a clean towel and lay it on the counter for him.

[Dry off, warm up, and then we'll talk.]

He just nods as I walk out of the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I go to my dresser and pull out a clean pair of pants and a t-shirt. I leave them on the bed and walk out of my bedroom. I sit down on the couch and put my head in my hands. This feels so much like the last time. I look at the closed guest room door and sigh. He has the worst timing. It’s not long before he comes out of my room dressed in my clothes.

[Are you hungry?]

He shakes his head no and walks towards the couch.

[Not out here.]

I head back towards my room. He looks at me confused. I glance at the closed door to the left of me and I think he catches on. I have company and I don’t want to wake them. He seems confused but makes his way back into my bedroom. He sits on the edge of my bed while I decide to stand.

[I have a lot of questions. First though, you can talk?]

I watch as he rolls his eyes and holds back a smile. Well at least I can tell he’s not as upset as the last time, but the obvious signs of fighting still need to be discussed.

“Yes.”

The coarse timber voice makes the hairs on my arms stand up. It’s rough like when you first wake up in the morning, unused and dry.

“I told you I didn’t lose my hearing until I was fourteen. Which means I could hear and talk like normal longer than I haven’t been able to hear.”

[Why don’t you talk more then?]

He shrugs.

“You would be surprised how many people out there think that if I can talk then I can hear. That if I am able to speak I am faking not being able to hear. That or they simply forget I can’t hear them and stop signing. I have found over the years it’s easier to just not.”

I can’t even imagine. Most people are so ignorant that I can believe it probably is easier to just not talk. The sound of his voice is almost hypnotic.

[Why now?]

[I don’t know.] He reverts back to signing. [It just came out.]

I am once again brought back to the image of him standing in my doorway.

[Wanna tell me what happened?]

“It’s a long story.” He says quietly.

I walk over and sit down next to him. I try not to sit too close but I don’t keep my distance either. Hell I’d wrap him in my arms if he would let me. But I don’t, I just sit and wait for him to open up. He surprises me by turning so he is facing me. I turn and mirror him.

[I went on a date.]

I don’t know what I was expecting but that wasn’t how I thought this story would start out. I feel a stab to the chest. Heartbreak, jealousy you name it I feel it at this moment. I take a deep breath and hold myself together. We are friends and I will be here for him, no matter how much it hurts to hear this.

[I met her at work and we get along great. I asked her out and we went on a date tonight.]

The knowledge of it being a woman breaks my heart a little more but I’m not surprised. He has been very up front about not being gay. I smile to encourage him to keep going, as this seems to be just as hard for him to tell as it is for me to hear.

[After our date I kissed her. I felt nothing. My physical attraction to women has always been minimal but…but now I feel nothing!]

I don’t know what to say to this. I just sit quietly.

[It’s all your fault.]

Now this takes me aback and I start to make a comment but he stops me.

[After the other night dancing at the bar. It’s been worse. I thought if I went out on this date I could make myself feel those things for her. When that didn’t work I went back to my old ways.]

My stomach drops at the implication. I already know what he’s going to say next. I look down at his busted knuckles and I fight the urge to reach out and hold them. He felt nothing so he found someone that would make him feel something…even if that something was pain.

[But when that didn’t work either I found myself here. I don’t know what to do, Warren. I want to change but I can’t…I try and I can’t. How?...How do I accept my damnation?]

His hands shake as he signs and the hurricane in his eyes is about to flood over. But he stops and pulls himself together. I stand up and walk out of the bedroom. I return with a glass of water. Adam stands and I offer him the drink. As he takes a drink, I look around my room unsure if I should offer for him to stay. I turn my attention back to Adam when I hear him place the glass on the dresser next to me.

I hadn’t realized how close we had become. Adam looks at me and before I know it leans into me. Surprised, I hesitate and pull away. Adam steps back, shock and fear cover his face. Like he’s on auto pilot he turns and raises his hand to punch the wall. I have seen this too many times before and I don’t think twice before grabbing his wrist to stop him before he can connect with the wall.

At the sudden realization that Adam had just tried to kiss me I’m filled with new confidence. I yank on the grip I have on his forearm. As he moves forward I don’t think twice and kiss him. He tries to pull away but my hand cups the back of his neck. He gives in and starts to kiss me back. It’s not a sweet simple kiss but I also don’t hold myself back. After a moment I place one last soft kiss on his swollen lips and pull away. I rest my forehead on his, unable to look at him. The possible look of hatred and regret has me holding on for as long as possible.

When I finally pull myself to look at him I don’t see any of that. My chest swells and I can’t stop the smile from spreading across my face. I want more but I won’t. I just stare at him. What now?

[Will you stay?]

I put caution to the wind and ask. I see his hesitation as he looks at the bed.

[We don’t have to do anything but sleep. I can sleep on the couch.] I quickly add, starting to back track.

[ok.]

I nod and get ready for bed. I grab my phone and head for the door.

“Wait.”

I stop and turn back around to look at him.

[Stay with me.]

I can tell how nervous he is asking to share a bed with me. I can’t lie, it scares me too. We keep blurring lines and I am afraid one of these times I’m going to go too far. I nod and walk around to the other side of the bed. We both get in and lay down. I turn onto my side to face him.

[Good night.]

[night.]